Many of us grew up wanting a family similar to Ward and June Cleaver from the popular show "Leave It To Beaver". A stable family with a solid foundation and very little chaos. Yet our own family lives usually are not as happy as the idealistic, Normal Rockwell images suggest they should. Parents suffer from guilt, shame and despair--and endless second-guessing. They feel the condemning looks from grandparents, family, friends and society. Enough! Lie #1 : If you were a good parent/spouse, family life wouldn't be such a struggle. If your family life is not what you pictured when you got married, then you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Relationships are SUPPOSED to be challenging. What makes us think that putting 2, 3, 4 or 5 imperfect people under the same roof is going to produce bliss?! The truth is that all relationships in life, if they are important to us, are challenging. That's because the purpose of relationships is NOT to produce happiness, but to produce transformation. It's this struggle to be patient, forgive, ask forgiveness, work through problems and be selfless that causes us to grow up and become stronger, more mature people. Love isn't the wedding and honeymoon. Love is what happens fifteen years later when you've talked about everything you could talk about, slogged through endless challenges raising children and your wife forgets her glass of water downstairs--yet you go get it for her without complaining, even though you're dead tired. Love is when you know every single fault your spouse has because you've played them on a reel in your mind, and yet you make the choice each day to be thoughtful, praise and focus on their strengths. Love isn't holding that cuddly little baby in your arms. Love is getting up in the middle of the night when they are sick; love is watching the child you have high hopes for struggle, make bad decisions and suffer consequences, but you keep believing in him; love is when your child lashes out at you and calls you names, yet you sit, calm yourself and get to the root of it. Love is putting your agenda on hold, being endlessly patient and problem solving with that struggling child rather than lecturing and saying, "Why can't you just do what I say?" And it's no different for our kids. They need to learn how to allow relationships with siblings, classmates and parents transform them. That's why we are so excited about the Kids CDs--I don't know of any other program that teaches kids so much about their own internal transformation. And better to learn this NOW than when you're 38! Lie # 2: "It's too late." Perhaps the most common lament I hear is, "I'm afraid it's too late to change things." Parents always think they've damaged their kids or marriage and it's too late to change. This is categorically false; do not believe it. We have worked with thousands of challenging children and families. We've seen kids in their twenties reconciled to parents and find their purpose; I can't tell you how many teenagers have taken hold of this and changed dramatically. I have witnessed an amazing transformation in Casey during his teen years--he told me recently his goal is to live the teen life with no drama. I have even heard him talk his friends through their anxiety and struggles. I think kids in the 8-12 range are in a sweet spot, but I have personally seen 6-year-olds grasp hold of the concepts and tell their siblings, "I'm not giving you power over my emotions anymore." Pre-schoolers learn effectively by modeling and practicing new physical reactions. It's really cool! Our kids just need tools. Message to Kids: No Excuses
over your choices and make no excuses. Listen, I am not going to treat you like some little kid. I have very high expectations for you because you have everything inside you need to be incredibly successful. So let's get this straight. You must resolve within yourself that you are going to live life with no excuses. It's not about what someone else does. It's not about what your brother or sister or classmate or teacher or father or mother does. Your life is going to be determined by what YOU do. If you make excuses and blame things on someone else, you give another person power over your life. That's unacceptable for people like us. We are people who take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. I know that you think that you don't have any power or choices in your life, but that's not true. You have an incredible amount of power over your life. No one gets to choose your attitude for you. You choose that. No one gets to choose your mood for you. You choose that. No one gets to choose your reactions for you. You choose that. No one gets to choose how you use your energy. You choose that. You make choices and your choices affect which road you travel down in life. I know grown adults, people who are 30, 40, and 50 years-old, who haven't learned this yet. And they live life blaming other people or circumstances for their failure. We are not going to do that. Some of you will say, "But I have all these issues and struggles that other people don't have." You are partially correct, but you've only told half the story. The truth is that people like us do have some struggles and challenges other people don't face. We feel like we're swimming upstream because we don't fit into the way society wants us to. We may have difficulty remembering things, sitting for a long time or focusing in class-yeah, that makes school more difficult. These sensory issues cause us some difficulties. That's true. Unfortunately, many people spend too much time focusing on our weaknesses. But every single person on the planet has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone. Successful people overcome obstacles and spend most of their time using their strengths to their advantage. You have strengths and advantages that others don't have. You are incredibly creative in your thinking and way you do things. You aren't afraid to ask why, to do things differently, to try new things. You feel things other people don't. When you are interested in something, you can focus on it like a pit bull for hours and hours- this will help you get things done that others can only dream about. You have a ton of energy-if you use this in purposeful, positive ways you can literally change the world. And that is what you are called to do. So let's not wallow in any excuses about how things are tougher for us. Let's be who we are made to be. Think of two things you have blamed other people for (like blaming a parent for losing something, blaming a sibling for getting in trouble, etc.). Apologize to your Mom or Dad or siblings or whoever you blamed. Tell yourself, "I am responsible for that and no one else." You are now on your way to being very powerful!
the new Kids CDs was perfect as is, so here it is: Unfortunately, many people spend too much time focusing on our weaknesses. And so we think that we have all these disadvantages because we don't see our strengths. Begin watching and studying people, and you'll learn this. Every single person on the planet has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone. Successful people overcome obstacles and spend most of their time using their strengths to their advantage. The part you left out is this: you have strengths and advantages that others don't have. You are incredibly creative in your thinking and way you do things. You aren't afraid to ask why, to do things differently, to try new things. You feel things other people don't. When you are interested in something, you can focus on it like a pit bull for hours and hours-this will help you get things done that others can only dream about. You have a ton of energy-if you use this in purposeful, positive ways you can literally change the world. And that is what you are called to do. So let's not wallow in any excuses about how things are tougher for us. Let's be who we are made to be. For ourselves. But also for another reason. Why we need to be different Society needs people like us to be ourselves. All of the cool stuff that everyone has on their Christmas or birthday list is designed and created by people like us. Every great new invention comes from someone who said, "There has to be a better way to do it." Do you have an iPod or want one? The iPod was developed by a guy names Steve Jobs, one of the founders of Apple Computer. Can't you imagine him saying one day many years ago, "I'm going to design this little device that fits in your pocket and holds 5,000 songs." And can you see people scoffing at him and saying, "That's impossible"? Star Wars, Harry Potter, the Wii, all the best movies and books and songs, come from people who feel the world around them, who are sensitive to their surroundings. You have a cool brain. You are wired like this on purpose. Now it's up to you to honor that purpose and design by using your gifts and passions to help others and society. I do have two warnings for you as you do this: First, don't become oppositional and try to "fight" the world. We don't fight people, we fight obstacles and overcome them. Don't get a chip on your shoulder and think you're just going to show them and make them like the way you do things. You are only hurting yourself trying to prove some point you'll never win. Instead, I want to use all of my gifts, talents and passions-what I am good at doing and love doing-to help other people and be productive. Second, realize that society is not always going to appreciate, support or understand you. You are going to have to develop and unshakable confidence in yourself, you are going to have to push through and believe in yourself when no one else does. When you fail the first time, you're going to have to get up and try again. And again. You might not like the answer but... Below is a very common question. Substitute your own situation- whether you are a parent or a teacher. "My child/student is exhibiting [name a behavior] that is unsettling to me. I have explained why that is unacceptable and even handed out consequences, but it never seems to change the behavior." Here's the warning. If we do not learn how to handle these situations, we will continue to create endless power struggles and alienate our kids. That produces guilt in parents and a feeling of inadequacy in our kids. Q: My 8-year-old daughter has been very bossy and high maintenance since she was born. She is constantly telling friends what to do, where to do it, that they're doing it wrong, etc. It drives me insane!!! I have lectured, threatened and punished her. Nothing has worked. Help! A: So let's walk through the steps we take in every situation: (1) Control your own anxiety and fear first. This is a million dollar insight for teachers and parents: before you address your child's/student's behavior, first address your own anxiety about that behavior. This alone will help mitigate 85% of issues. The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to change yourself. Why do parents feel anxious in the above example? The Mom feels anxious because she fears her daughter will grow up without any friends, that she'll exhibit anti-social behavior with other adults, that she won't be able to succeed in school. We project out decades and determine she won't be able to hold down a job and that she won't be happy or successful in life. If we're honest, we'll admit that much of our anxiety is driven by embarrassment. We feel like we need to explain or cover up our child's bossy behavior. We may feel guilty or like we're a failure as a parent because our child doesn't behave like the other kids do. Mix it all together and we add about 200 pounds of anxiety to every situation, and that always makes it worse. (2) Meet needs, do not control outward behavior. If we do not control our own anxiety, fear and guilt, we then begin to put more pressure on the child to change her behavior, and before we know it, every waking thought is centered on this: "How can I get my daughter to change her behavior?" If you have gotten to the stage where most of your energy is spent trying to change outward behavior in your classroom or home, you may as well waive the white flag! So determine first the root of the behavior. Why is this girl being bossy? She has a high need for ORDER and consistency. Until we establish more order and structure in her life, and give her ownership of more activities, she will continue to try to control other people, situations and her surroundings. (3) Equip children with tools. Whenever I see a student or child not responding to consequences, it usually tells me the child's behavior is being driven by anxiety (in this case, the girl is anxious because she needs order and cannot control people or situations, hard as she tries) and/or the fact that the child needs tools (in this case, the girl needs to be taught tools to have positive interactions with others). Sometimes we assume our kids know how to interact socially, control their emotions, or complete writing assignments. They don't. Until we empower them with practical tools, they will continue to flail about. So let's model and show our kids specifically how to exhibit positive behavior. (4) Praise for progress. We need to flip our approach 180 degrees. Instead of applying pressure and focusing on the negative 80% of the time, we need to begin providing very specific praise 80% of the time. Provide opportunities for your child to be successful and then praise her when she does exhibit positive behavior. Shorten play dates, get involved in them, provide a lot of structure and order for the play dates, model appropriate interaction, give your daughter tools ahead of time. Make it a successful play date and praise her. Please remember this principle: we praise for progress, not perfection. (5) Relax and give them time. Our kids will develop in their time, not ours. I know it is frustrating when you see other children developing more quickly in areas than your own child. The temptation is to press, to try to catch your child up, to put even more focus on the issue. This always backfires. The more you try to cheat the process, the more frustrated you will grow and the longer it will take.
Summer 2010 Edition
Crowell, MA BCBA & Jamie Bassos, MS BCBA The summer has finally arrived and with changes to family routine and schedules, vacations and various camps attended, many of the families we support may also see problem behaviors in their child. Here we share a few tips to address the behavioral challenges that can occur at this time of year to help families navigate through this season of "downtime". All parents experience that sense of frustration at one time or another, whether it be associated with their child having tantrums on a shopping trip, refusing to go to bed at the designated time (and bedtimes get later with longer days!), sassing or "talking back" to a parent, difficulty transitioning to a camp setting, or even hitting others or breaking things. Fortunately there is a whole body of information that supports a behavioral approach to these not so uncommon problems. As children progress through various developmental stages (the "terrible twos", adolescence, etc.), different types of difficulties are common and can be normal. The central premise of a behavioral approach is that behavior is learned and can also be unlearned. Good (and bad) behaviors are said to be learned based on the rewards that follow them. Here are a few general suggestions: The goal is to use behavioral strategies that match the REASON the particular behavior is occurring. Some initial observations are needed to determine whether the child's behavior is intended to gain attention (positive and negative), avoid or delay an expectation or request, or to gain access to preferred items or activities. These can change over time so a good educated hypothesis is important to identify the place to start. * Reward appropriate behaviors immediately and frequently. Let the child know what is expected and "catch him/her being good". Reward alternative behaviors, such as giving praise or a special treat to the child when they do finish their meal or tolerate "no" for an answer without screaming or hitting. Transitions to new settings (think "camp" or a week at grandma's house) where expectations are different or unclear can be addressed with advanced planning and review, emotional support and reinforcement for cooperating and being "flexible". Keep these strategies in place during the summer and when traveling when possible, to head off challenges. With a bit of advance planning, rewards can be portable and fit to a variety of settings. The pay off for taking a working behavior plan along with you can outweigh the inconvenience of the extra work and planning required. * Do not reward inappropriate behaviors exhibited by the child. Instead plan to ignore them a brief time, if safe, and do not negotiate or yell at the child. Time out, if done correctly, is generally effective only for behavior that seeks attention but must be done carefully with good monitoring to ensure effectiveness. * For behaviors intended to avoid or delay tasks, follow-through with the request using the least amount of hand over hand assistance to have the child complete the task. Give the child up to two verbal directions and then assist them to complete the task (on the third prompt). Preplanning events the family will attend and marking the calendar in advance can help avoid over- commitment and undue stress, while helping children to predict their schedules. * If the child seems to engage in behavior problems to get favorite items or activities (e.g., screaming in grocery store to get cookies), avoid providing the item to the child when inappropriate behaviors are occurring or have occurred. Instead, provide these favorite items or activities as rewards for good behaviors such as asking politely or not tantruming during an errand run. Another helpful approach is to make it clear that the child can get (favorite item/activity) after he/she complete an activity or chore that is less desirable (e.g., having ice cream or going to the pool after cleaning up toys, going to the park after eating dinner). * To help address the unstructured down time that inevitably is part of summer, families can write down a list of activities that they want to complete that day. As they move through the schedule, share the written list with the child, marking the tasks off as you go. This may help to guide the child through a visual model of the day's events and help them to understand their sequence. When using these techniques remember to be consistent and gain consistency with other adults in the child's environment. Lastly, don't hesitate to seek professional help if you feel that the child's behavior problems persist, are dangerous or can't be controlled. The summer can bring on unexpected or more intense behaviors for some children so parents should remember that being a good parent is hard work and they should build in rewards for having the courage to try new and different approaches to promote their child's well-being. Children always need our love and discipline to thrive and grow in their environment. And.... enjoy the summer! It will be time for "BACK TO SCHOOL" before we know it.... ABOUT OUR PRACTICE: BEHAVIORAL DIRECTIONS LLC is a consulting practice providing services to children, adolescents and adults with behavior, learning and developmental disorders. Our providers are ALL Board Certified Behavior Analysts (BCBAs). Please visit us at (www.BehavioralDirections.com ). New Referrals may contact Dana Goldsteinat 703-855-4032 |
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