Sibling fights, name calling and more over Christmas break In a couple weeks, our kids will be out of school and home together for about 10 days together, which will prompt lots of sibling fights, name calling and more. Here are some practical tips to help you. Q: My son will get upset and call his sister mean names. I've tried talking him through it, explaining how it isn't right to hurt someone's feelings. We've done timeouts and I've yelled. Nothing works. Help us! A: First, children who call names usually lack self-confidence. They resort to tearing others down to make themselves feel superior. Please do not miss this, though: the person being bullied needs to demonstrate self-confidence and self-respect as well. This goes for the sister in this example and Moms who often get bullied at home by grumpy kids. Second, your son is enjoying the reaction he is getting from you and your daughter. Your reactions give him power and he's clearly enjoying that. Third, lectures and empty threats mean nothing to him. Fourth, your son needs to learn how to calm himself. Once he learns to stay calm when disappointed or upset, he will not resort to calling names, throwing tantrums or causing general upheaval. 1. Build your child's self-confidence by using his gifts, talents and passions to help others. Children who have a vision for the future and feel content because they have purposeful missions in their lives are not as apt to pick on others. The holidays are a great time to focus on projects that help needy children. Does your child have more positive activities in his life than negative? 2. Help your son get his stimulation from completing very specific projects in which he can be successful, instead of seeking stimulation from reactions. Have a focus for your kids' energy over the Christmas break. Projects are great, especially if they have a purpose such as making money or helping someone. 3. Show self-respect. I give credit for this brilliant example to a nine-year-old girl named Amanda in California. Here's what her Mom told me. "My daughter is often the target of my son who has ADHD. We were listening to your Straight Talk for Kids CDs together and my daughter said, 'That's it, Mom. I'm not going to give my power to Davis when he insults me. I'm going to stay calm and control myself.' Amanda has followed through and it put an end to it." Wow, Amanda is spot on. So how do we do this in practical ways? When your son comes downstairs and begins hurling insults, siblings and parents can say in a calm, matter-of-fact way, "Hey, Ethan, you can talk that way if you want, but as long as you do, you're on your own. I'd rather be [playing catch] [drawing] [building Legos] with you, though." "Ethan, when you're ready to apologize for calling me names, I'll help you out with breakfast. Until then, I've got things to do." Moms, please let your kids know that you have a life, too, that is just as important as theirs. You are NOT their servant and you do not owe them your attention or help when they disrespect you. Calm is not a doormat; calm shows self-respect and is assertive. "Ethan, I know you think you're trying to hurt my feelings by calling me names. The thing is, I know I'm not stupid and I'm not ugly. You're not going to control my emotions-I won't give you that power." Then get up and calmly walk away. This is Amanda showing self-respect and confidence. 4. Model calm. In order to change behavior, you must first model the behavior. Want your son to stay calm and not get upset when he loses a game? Are Mom and Dad staying calm even when things go wrong in the home? Are you respecting yourselves and not giving in to taunts? 5. Make it visual. Long lectures typically don't accomplish anything. Make a heart shape out of construction paper. Every time your son says something hurtful, your daughter can grab the heart and tear a piece off. She can drop it on the floor or silently hand it to your son, then walk away. No lecture, no yelling, no response. Just a visual that will tell the story. 6. Teach your child to calm himself. We've covered this a lot lately so I won't repeat it here. But your children need tools. Build your child's confidence and model calm and self-respect. Instead of you being the referee, give your kids tools to control their own behavior. How great would that be?! Here's how a couple kids controlled their own behavior: "Kirk, we attended your Calm Casey Workshop with our sons (5, 8, 10) and the kids had a lot of fun. When we left, we put the Straight Talk Kids CD on in the van and the kids got a kick out of hearing Casey's voice over the stereo. My youngest said, 'I just gave him a high five.' Tell Casey he's a rock star in our family. The CDs are helpful because they reinforce what the kids heard live and there's so much more on there. Anyway, the reason I am writing is because of the effect it's had on our family the past four weeks. My kids aren't perfect, but they are actually sharing. I will hear them say, 'I'm being like Calm Casey' or 'Casey said I should give so you go first.' Thanks a million to Casey for making a difference at such a young age." The Albertson's, Plano, TX "Kirk, I noticed my oldest daughter has been a little quieter lately. She downloaded Casey's CDs on her iPod--I think she sort of has a crush on him!--and has been listening by herself. I think the part about purpose and giving is connecting with her, but what I noticed lately has been less drama. She's thinking before mouthing off and not reacting to her brothers and sisters. It's really changing our home life and I think she's seeing how much power she really does have by controlling herself and not everyone else. Nothing we've done before has had this effect on her, so we're really thankful. Go Casey!" Jill K., Lilburn, GA Video Games, Teachers, Aggression & Sensory Needs Kids are listening to Casey's CD and emailing him questions, which is a great sign. It means they are engaged and taking ownership. Take advantage of our special offer below--it makes a great stocking stuffer. Okay, throw in some chocolate with it as well :) 5 Quick Tips from a Dad-Homework, anxiety, exercise Change your family for generations I want to share an email from a Dad, which contains five quick, helpful tips. I have edited this email to remove personal information and add the Lessons as a way to organize the information into a short list. 5 Quick Tips from a Dad-Homework, anxiety, exercise Dear Kirk, Sorry I'm finally getting around to writing this. I wanted to let you know a few ways we've used your program, because I thought it might help some other families who find themselves in the same situation. We have four children from 6-15 (two are very intense) and every time we've read your newsletter it seemed like you were talking directly to us and about us. So we decided that we'd already spent thousands on tutoring and testing and who knows what else, so after receiving your free advice for a couple years, we decided it was time to pony up. I have to say I wasn't really up for listening to all the CDs. It's a lot of information, but I decided to keep them in the car and listen as I commuted. And I got something out of them all, even the marriage ones. I can think of five ways off the top of my head that we've changed as a family. Lesson 1: Do the opposite. I'm learning to do the opposite of what my old reactions tell me what to do. Instead of yelling, I sit down and talk softly. Instead of demanding, I ask questions. Instead of telling my kids everything they've done wrong, I tell them everything they're doing right. I am learning that what you say is true: the best way to see my kids change is for me to change first. It's working, Kirk, I'm seeing changes. Lesson 2: Provide specific, concrete tasks to combat anxiety. The part on anxiety was spot on. You nailed my older son--he never likes to try any new activity, even though once he gets there he likes it. We signed him up for a Tae Kwon Do class and went through your specific steps. We went a couple weeks before class began, met the instructor who turned out to be a great guy. I talked to him and he gave Jacob a great "mission"--he asked if Jacob could come early and help him teach the younger kids. Jacob hasn't missed a class. You should see his face light up when he's helping Mr. Yon. You don't know how many classes we had signed him up for and then backed out on. For this alone, thank you, thank you. Lesson 3: Do homework after exercise and a good experience. Jacob feels so good after the Tae Kwon Do class that we used your tip and began doing his most difficult thinking work after class, when his brain is stimulated and he's relaxed. The best part is that Jacob is learning how HE learns and works best, which I think will serve him well when he eventually goes out on his own. That's what I like about this program--you don't just tell us what to do, you help our kids understand themselves and WHY they work best. The kids have talked to their teachers about the "Traffic Cop" in their brains and two teachers have thanked us for sharing the Brain Boosters with them. It's like a light bulb goes on once you explain how the kids' brains work. It's been a good way for the kids to take some ownership over their school work. Lesson 4: Put homework in your kids' court/ equip them with tools. The Brain Boosters are really good, by the way, you need to push these more. I've never heard 90% of what you talk about, but it works not only for our more challenging kids but also for our other two as well. One of the best parts of the program is the information on homework time. We used to be the ones who stood over our kids, rushing them, demanding they sit at the table and work. Homework time is completely different now. We don't hover, don't demand, don't get all stressed. Each of my kids does homework in a different way and they feel like it's theirs now, not ours. A couple use exercise balls, the oldest listens to her iPod and they all eat a snack while working. The idea that we aren't responsible for our kids' homework was a new one. It's hard not to get anxious about it and some nights are still rough, but we're working on it and I think the kids like the independence. Maybe it's the trust they feel? Lesson 5: The greatest gift you can give your family is free. For the Marriage CDs (which I very reluctantly listened to!) here's what I took from them: The greatest gift to my wife is that she can trust me at home alone with the kids now and not walk on eggshells when I get home. I watch the kids one night each week while she goes out with friends, sits at Starbucks or I think she just drives around alone not sure what to do with herself. It's really helped her, Kirk, and you're right. She's a different person after she's had some time alone. The house isn't always pretty when she gets home, I'm working on that. But the kids are happy and it's become a good bonding time for us. I know she doesn't have to "manage" me and my emotions anymore. I could probably ramble on for awhile, but we wanted to say bless you for the tools you've given us. We're really changing and it feels good. Dan H. and Family, Utica, NY Final thought: Do you want 2010 to be different? Instead of waiting for everyone else and circumstances to change, let's begin by changing ourselves. Then no matter what is going on around us, WE can become the calm and change our environment by bringing calm into every situation. Getting Kids Motivated, Focused & Calm; Special audio clip for Stressed-Out Moms Q: My daughter seems so angry at me lately. When I pick her up from school, she'll just bark at me. And when I try to compliment her (i.e. "Honey, I just want to honor the patience that you are showing me by waiting in line"), she'll tell me to stop talking that way. Here is my gut reaction. Your daughter thinks you are talking down to her when you are using that language--it sounds patronizing to some kids and almost manipulative. So my advice? Let her have 30 minutes of silence after school. Don't feel the need to fill the silence. This is a tough one for some parents, but please don't be afraid of silence. Your kids will respect you giving them space. Besides, when they are ready to talk, they will. And you'd rather have them coming to you initiating conversations. Speak to your daughter as an adult. This shows trust and I bet she'll live up to higher expectations. When she is emotional, use a non-emotional, matter-of-fact tone. She has enough drama in her life all day; she doesn't need more in the evening. This shows her that you are in charge, that the adult in her life isn't fazed by her moodiness or difficulties. Some of our kids have a difficult time accepting praise--it doesn't square with how they feel inside. So they often push back or say, "I'm stupid." Use what I call "drive-by praise." You walk by your child and praise them using very matter-of-fact language. Instead of trying to convince your child that she is good at something, you are making statements of fact that are not open to negotiation. "Susan, you've always been great at adding numbers in your head." "Jacob, you've always been really good at solving problems. I know you can figure this out." Then keep walking. Do not wait for or respond to their pushback. Sometimes I'll tell Casey, "Hey, good choice. I'm proud of you for that." And then I walk away so he doesn't feel obligated to respond. Writing notes is also a very good way to communicate praise without eliciting a defensive response. Try it. Here's how one Mom helped change her son's mood: "Kirk, I was so excited to get the Straight Talk for Kids CDs in the mail yesterday. My son was in such a grumpy, irrational mood, that I could not tear the package open and put the CDs in quick enough for us to start listening. He immediately stopped complaining and being irritable. We listened to more of the CDs this morning. He was listening intently and would point out who in our family you were talking about. We really like the story of the blanket [Casey and I tell a story on the CDs about the blanket I take on the road, and sensory kids really connect with that and don't feel so strange about their quirks]. Everyone in the family received a soft blanket for Christmas as their special blanket, so there are no fights about who gets which blanket." Q: I have a student who loves to read, but I can't get him to put his book down to re-engage in class. I have given him consequences and threatened to take his book away if he doesn't respond. Remember this principle: you can't command until you've connected. Sometimes as parents and teachers, we are in too much of a hurry. So we jump right into commanding our kids without connecting first. In this case, we have a boy who loves to read--we should encourage that! So try this. "Ryan, I love that you're reading something interesting. As soon as we complete our math assignment, could you share with the class one or two things that you find interesting about your book?" "Dylan, I can see you love that book. After we complete our vocabulary words, I'd be really interested to learn two facts you have learned today while reading." When we use this approach, we affirm something good in our students (they love to read!) instead of somehow making it negative; we redirect them using very specific directions; we set the expectations (we're going to do math first); we give them something to look forward to related to their passion. Connecting usually only takes 10 seconds, but it saves a lot of battles. We've been inundated with emails about kids struggling with issues in school after the holidays, so we'll be providing specific, step-by-step strategies to make long-term changes with the Creating Behavior Plans TeleCourse. Click here to learn more. Q: You talk about kids feeling overwhelmed. What about parents? I'm a stressed-out Mom. Help! As an added bonus to this newsletter, we recorded a seven-minute audio clip on how to Reclaim Your Individuality and life distinct from being a Mom. Click here to listen to this clip. It will come up on your computer so you can listen. Here's what we'll be discussing this month in the 9 ½ Secrets for Stressed-Out Moms TeleCourse. It's very different: Why you should put yourself first; how to reclaim your individuality; freedom from guilt and being responsible for managing everyone and everything; how to get what you want, including respect. Is it Anxiety or Defiance? I was so inspired by the following email that I want to dedicate a newsletter to a critical topic and common situation most parents and teachers struggle with daily. Sometimes I get emotional while writing things. For some reason, I cried in the middle of this one. I only tell you that because usually when that happens, it's a really good newsletter! Kirk, I am sitting here in tears after midnight so I apologize if this rambles. For years I have torn my hair out, I've screamed and threatened and nagged my kids. I've given up and sometimes just plain resented them. We've spent our savings on every treatment and therapist and book there is. A friend told me that your program had helped their family a ton, but their kids aren't nearly as difficult as ours. So we plopped down the money and decided to give it a try. It was like a light bulb went on. You describe our home and our interactions to a t, like you have a camera in our home. You are the first person to describe why my son does what he does and not label him a bad kid. We were told he had Opposition Defiant Disorder, that we needed to clamp down on him every time he resisted us. It always made him fight more. But what I learned from listening to you is to look beyond the behavior to what's really going on. My son has a tremendous amount of anxiety and so do I. We are focusing our energy on reducing anxiety and the meltdowns and fights have almost completely stopped. Could that be the issue? Thank you again for seeing the good inside my son. Susan M., Dublin, OH 5 Important Points 1. Our kids exhibit negative and bad responses to situations, but they aren't bad kids and should never be labeled as such. If I have a child who is consistently in trouble, that tells me that we either have not met the root need or we haven't given the child tools to be successful. No child wants to be in trouble all the time. 2. Most of the children with ODD we work with are not truly oppositional-they are simply fighting either a negative environment or negative self-perception. If you don't feel good about yourself and have no confidence or purpose, you will fight everyone around you. But once we start tapping into your gifts and passions to build confidence, suddenly that energy is focused on fighting obstacles, not people. 3. Firm, calm, matter-of-fact discipline is good and necessary. As I demonstrate during the workshops, you can be an absolute tyrant with your kids, but never be negative or emotional about it. Our kids want and need boundaries. They just don't want the snide comments, drama and negativity that often come with it. I have very firm boundaries for Casey when he's out with his friends. Last weekend, he came to me and thanked me for being so strict because he told his friends, "I can only drive with one friend in the car. If I break the rule, I lose my license and a month of pay. And you guys aren't worth it." How do you like Casey's bluntness?! 4. Anxiety often masquerades as defiance. Here's the main point of this newsletter. Picture this scene. You sign your son up for a karate class. You start talking in the afternoon about the class that evening, and he begins hedging. You groan inside because you know what's coming. So you begin bribing in subtle ways. "Hey, I thought before karate we could stop at McDonald's." Doesn't work. He's onto you. You up the bribe. "And afterward, we can get a milkshake." You're busted. More resistance. You're frustrated and try to rationalize with your son. "You're really good at karate. It's only one night a week. It will be done in 45 minutes. Jimmy's going to be there." He's not buying it. Now you're upset because you can't get through to him. Now your tone turns negative and indignant. "You're going because I paid $125 for this class and that's that." That works equally as well. Only now he's not only hedging, he takes the same hard line stance. "I'm not going." Now it's your turn to up the ante. Only now you're beginning to think. I've got a defiant child here and I can't give in. So you begin threatening consequences. "No video games." Son doesn't care. "No play date with friends." Fine, I don't like playing with them anyway. "I'm calling your father." Now the tears come. You have to leave to be on time. So now you grab him by the arm to take him to the car. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing himself on the floor. After struggling unsuccessfully, you say something you don't mean in disgust and stomp off, swearing you'll never sign him up for anything again if that's how he's going to act. Okay. Let's reset. I'm writing this in an ice rink waiting for Casey to come on the ice and I'm crying a little. (I've gotten over it in public, I'm a sap!). Why? Because I can't tell you how many times I did this to Casey when he was young. And I can see his little face and hear him crying and I can hear me saying really bad things to him. And this happens to thousands of kids every single day in classrooms and living rooms. And thousands of parents feel guilty for it. And it's all avoidable. We just need tools. Teachers need tools. Parents need tools. Kids need tools. Before we destroy a generation. So here's how this could have been avoided. When we learn to view outward behavior as a sign pointing to the real need instead of just reacting to it, we can get to the root of the issue. The son in this situation was acting irrationally. Anxiety always manifests in irrational behavior. What rational person willingly gives up junk food, milkshakes, video games and playtime in order to get out of a 45-minute karate class? There's your clue. It looks like your son is being hardheaded, strong-willed, defiant and even violent in this situation. But he really is struggling with anxiety. Why? Think of all the unknowns beyond his control. Where is this karate class, have I ever been there? Who is the instructor, is he going to be nice to me? Do I know anyone there because I don't have a lot of friends? What if I'm not good or get in trouble or don't like it? I'd rather stay home and play video games because I can control that. So all of this anxiety builds up. And no amount of bribery, fear, discussion or coaxing will EVER overcome anxiety. We don't have time today to walk through the action steps to overcome anxiety, but in the face of fear and anxiety, the key is always to focus on completing a specific, concrete task instead of worrying about the unknowns. So next time you find yourself in one of these battles with a student or child, step back and think: how can I overcome the anxiety that is causing this defiance? How a Dad handled a tough situation and helped his son be responsible We had the privilege of meeting this Dad at the Calm Casey/Dads Workshop in DC last month. I can't tell you how proud I am of the Dads who are working hard to become calm leaders. What the father did below, by holding his tongue and creating an environment in which his son could be responsible, is far more difficult than anything we do at work. I hope this inspires you! Kirk, recently picked Alex up from school and he seemed concerned or worried...even looking back at the school as we walked away...kind of looking for someone. Asked him how we was feeling and he kept saying "I am fine". Did not push the interaction as I could see he had some anxiety about some situation or person...just walked with him to the car and talked with him...he did not want to talk and that was fine...shortly after we got in the car...he said can I talk to you for a minute?? I was floored...he then described an interaction with a girl in the class that he "liked" and he had some serious questions in his mind...I just sat there and drove (i.e. no eye contact) and let him talk...he asked questions...I did not answer or solve his problem, but asked him questions to get him to go down the road on his own......the result....well kind of funny.....he said....can you put CD # 2 on again (yours of course)....he settled down for the remainder of the ride and I resisted my need to speak and let him be. When home, he asked to listen to some music (like Casey does when he gets upset)...I gave him my iPod and he walked away on his own to his room...he then penned a letter to this girl and at the end was proud of his "outcome". I was too!!! It is amazing that he wants to listen to these CDs...in fact when all three kids are in the car....well it gets a bit rammy back there.....however...put the CDs in and they all calm down and listen....it is really amazing. They even talk to themselves about the content!! He is a wonderfully talented little boy. I need to remind myself of his abilities and find ways to be extremely firm but not emotional or anxious. Thanks again. Casey's first newsletter to kids: 3 ways to have more power in life Dad's confession. I bugged Casey for a long time to write a newsletter. He struggles with getting thoughts from head to paper just like his Dad. As soon as I stopped bugging him, he came to me with an idea. Funny how that works, huh?! I am reprinting this exactly as he sent it, resisting my urge to edit! The principles apply to us as adults as well and represent part of what Casey speaks to kids about directly at the Calm Casey Kids Workshops. I know one thing every kid wants is more power. I do. So I wanted to talk about three ways to have more power in your life. 1) Learn to have power over circumstances. You aren't always going to get what you want and things aren't always going to go your way. In the near future, your parents will probably choose a restaurant that you don't want to go to. If you whine, complain and throw a tantrum, these circumstances have power over you and your emotions. You need to transform this negative energy into something productive. When this happens, instead of throwing the tantrum and freaking out over something that is clearly out of your control, stay calm and make a different suggestion. Ask if you can choose the restaurant next time or maybe go to your favorite ice cream place after dinner. This way you turn a negative situation that is out of your control into an opportunity to do something fun as a family after dinner. It's a good compromise. 2) Get more power at home with your brothers and sisters. Let's say your brother or sister hits, pokes or annoys you. If you react to them by whining or hitting them back, they have power over you and you become their puppet. If someone can do something to get a negative reaction from you, they have power over you. They are controlling your emotions and how you feel. So what do you think they are going to do next time they have a chance to hit you or bug you? Common sense tells us that they are going to hit you because you've shown them that they can control you and your reaction! So next time your brother or sister pokes you, take control of yourself and don't react. Tell them, "You're not taking my power away" and then ask your brother/sister if they want something to eat or drink from the kitchen. Do something nice for them and surprise them! You will have complete power and control over the situation because you are controlling YOUR response. 3) Peer pressure-don't let other kids control YOUR behavior. If you change yourself to fit in with a certain group of people at school, those people have power over you. So if your group of friends doesn't like some kid that you want to be friends with and you choose not to be friends with that kid, you've let them make a decision for you. Don't give other people that kind of power over your decisions! I got my drivers license a few months ago and there are laws in my state that only allow for me to carry 1 passenger under 18 in my car. So my dad gave me a choice with it. He said if I carry more than one passenger, he's going to take away my paycheck for the month and my drivers' license for a year. Those are some pretty tough consequences and rightly so, but this gave me a tool to deal with peer pressure. Of course my friends asked me to drive them places but because of my consequences of doing so, I was able to explain to my friends why I wasn't giving them rides and that made it a lot easier to deal with. Tools like that help a lot, but eventually I want you to be able to stand up to your friends and just say no, which is something I have learned how to do. It's kept me out of a lot of trouble. It's one of the most valuable things I've learned how to do. Remember, you always have a choice in how you react to every situation. No one can control your reaction, not your teachers, parents, siblings or friends, just you! Take power and control over your life, it will free you tremendously. Learning to control myself has been the most valuable thing I've learned to do in life. And I like being powerful! Casey 3 Phrases That Destroy Our Kids/Students As educators and parents, we all want children who are confident, curious and responsible. Here are three common mistakes that will destroy everything we want to create...along with solutions to create a positive effect. # 1 Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior. How would you respond if your boss walked by your office, shook his head and looked at you with disappointment? Would your first thought be, "Wow, my boss is disappointed with me? I am going to work harder." No, it wouldn't. If our tone and words are primarily negative, our kids will internalize that and become who we say they are. Practice this habit: the next time you are tempted to shake your head or say something negative, do the opposite. Find something positive, praise your child and thank them. Write them a short note encouraging them. Then watch what happens. Listen to what one family did, which is brilliant. "Kirk, after listening to the CDs, my son (9) asked if we could have a new tradition, that every time someone says something negative, they have to turn around and say five positive things. It's really worked and changed how everyone talks to each other." # 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..." When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know our kids can be lazy and it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences? In the history of the world, this line has NEVER worked once. I don't know one person who, upon hearing those words, would jump up and exclaim, "Thank you so much for your inspiration! You know what? You just opened the key for me because all along I haven't been trying at all. With your magical words of encouragement, I'm going to apply myself more and that will fix everything!" Sometimes we don't realize that our kids ARE trying, that it takes an enormous amount of emotional and mental strength to make it through a school day. Try to get inside the head of our kids. You're in a school whose very structure exploits most of your weaknesses-you are surrounded by lots of people, some of whom make fun of you; it's noisy; you have to sit, listen and recall information under pressure; you have to learn about things you are not interested in; sensory needs often go unmet. So you spend all your energy holding it together and then an adult comes along and says you aren't applying yourself. Want to know my reaction? It would be to cry, shut down or defiantly say two words I can't say here. So if your child or student is not performing to standard, I encourage you to ask yourself three questions: (1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? What prompted this newsletter was an email I received this week from a teacher on Long Island. "I had a student who just wouldn't write for me-he would shut down so I sent notes home telling his parents he needed to apply himself or he was going to fail. Nothing changed and I drew a line in the sand and took away recess. He ended up crying. I thought he was being defiant. Another teacher loaned me your Brain Boosters CDs. It was like 10,000 light bulbs went off. The next day, I told the class we were going to do our writing assignment different. Kids could sit under their desk, lie on the floor, stand up, eat a snack or even use the white board, but they had to work quietly and independently. I put some light music on and watched my challenging guy dart under his desk with a bag of fishy crackers. I sat on the floor, smiled and told him good job. It wasn't perfect, but he developed some confidence and started enjoying the process more. Most students still sit at their desks, but I have a handful who work in different places. Thanks for letting us know it's okay to do things a little bit different." (2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents? (3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? # 3 "Why can't you just do things the right way?" Of course, the right way means "our" way. We are so busy we don't have time for kids to use their brains in creative ways. Sure, we have good intentions, but sometimes it's our own self-centeredness and need for control that suffocates our kids. My wife puts everything away in files. I need things to be in sight. Is one way right and one way wrong? No. They are just different ways to organize based on personal preference and wiring. Similarly, we are motivated by different things. What motivates me at age 43 is a lot different than what motivated me at 33, at 23, at 13. So don't assume that your child is motivated by the need for a stable income to support his family...when he doesn't even have a girlfriend yet! Let go of your anxiety. You do things your way and model what you think is best. And give your kids some space. They may choose to make tasks more difficult, like I do, because it's stimulating. Or they may choose a more creative path. Let them own their choices and responsibilities. "Kirk, thanks in part to what we have learned from your CDs & attending your workshop, my 11 y/o daughter is doing fantastic in school this. We were very anxious about her starting middle school, but her grades are actually better than in elementary school. "I had to giggle yesterday because almost everyday she finds a different place & different position to do her homework. Yesterday she was crouched down halfway up the staircase, but she had her homework done in less than an hour, without frustration. No more "table of death" as you called it in your CDs for our house. Thanks for sharing your valuable insight!" Sometimes when we let go of our anxiety and preconceived ideas, it frees our kids to be compliant, do their chores and take responsibility for their actions. We control ourselves and teach our kids to control themselves. It's cool. Remember: praise and encourage kids to be themselves. Get tools for your child. We received about 25 emails after Casey's newsletter with suggestions for Casey to record CDs directly for kids. We've done that, but just haven't made it public yet. Click here to learn about the new Calm Casey/ Straight Talk for Kids curriculum. 'Which Battles Should You Choose? One of the most commonly held parenting axioms is, "You just have to pick your battles." I vehemently disagree with the assumption behind this statement because it has disastrous consequences. Let me be emphatic. NO, you do not have to pick your battles! The assumption is that there are some good battles and some bad battles; that you and your child are fighting or battling against each other. There are no good battles and I refuse to be drawn into a fight with someone I love. Let's use a very common question as a beginning point and learn a different way to approach children and students. Q: "What is your advice on getting my son to [wear his pants around his waist as opposed to below his butt] [substitute here: get my child to do anything]? I know we have to pick our battles, but this one we are both on him for." I want to use this as a launching point to teach a completely different way to motivate children. Please substitute in the brackets above any non life-threatening/non-safety issue such as getting your child to clean their room, cut their hair, do their homework, etc. (We can deal with safety issues separately). (1) What is your goal? Do you want your child to change his behavior, or do you want to teach him to make good choices? Please think about this because it's a critically different approach. We can change the behavior easily if that's the only goal. For some kids, just give them a consequence so onerous they make the right decision (although most of our kids aren't moved by external consequences). But then we haven't really changed their hearts-we have just coerced them to make the decision we wanted them to make. In the short term, the child does what you want. But it begins a pattern of resentment, defensiveness and opposition. He will pull up his pants, but then will choose to defy you in another way. Because you haven't changed his heart-you've just changed an outward behavior. (2) Who do you want to be responsible for your child's behavior? You? Or your child? If you consistently "make" your child do things, then YOU are being responsible for their behavior. That's against everything we want for our kids-to learn to take responsibility for themselves. You are making them weak and ineffectual because you need to achieve an immediate, expedient objective. Of course we need to set clear rules, boundaries and expectations. Of course we have to make sure our kids are safe. But in the case of cleaning their room, cutting their hair, taking a bath, doing homework, pulling up their pants and myriad other non life-threatening instances, there is a better way. (3) Stop reacting and giving your child power over your emotions and actions. If you are constantly "getting on" your child or harrumphing each time you walk past their messy bedroom, you are giving your child complete power over your emotions and actions. You are most likely lecturing and reacting every time your child doesn't do what you say. You have become your child's puppet. You are setting up a power struggle and your child will always win. (4) What kind of relationship do YOU want with your child? I can guarantee you that if you are "getting on" your child constantly, you are building a defensive, oppositional relationship. I am going to be stern here because I care about you and want you to have a different kind of relationship. Parents routinely say, "But my child..." before explaining why the relationship is so strained. Here's the truth. We are the adults. We need to grow up and act like it. How I treat my child has NOTHING to do with what he does and everything to do with how I CHOOSE to deal with him. Listen to the perspective of my 16-year-old son, Casey, on this: When I heard that you were "on him," my first thought was that it's now "us against him" and that never works. That always made me feel trapped and like my parents were against me. It made me fight them more. That's why I only liked being with one parent at a time because it felt like they were teaming up on me, which caused me to push back and be defensive. Once my Dad calmed down, we were able to have a good relationship. (5) What if your child won't take responsibility for himself? Then we have an internal motivation issue. We will deal with that in the solutions phase in a moment. I do, however, love natural consequences. If we jump in and make our kids make the "right choice," they will never learn how life works. We need to let our child experience the natural consequences of their actions. But has its limits. Some kids will NEVER respond to consequences because they are external, not internal. I have a teenager like that and I very much prefer his approach. Yes, it's more difficult. But it is more meaningful and when your child is internally motivated, then he will own his decisions. And that's what we want. So let's transition here and follow this plan to change relationships, motivation, hearts and, ultimately, behavior. But notice the sequence. This is powerful. (6) Rebuild your relationship. This is a very important principle: you can't have rules without a relationship. In this case, it seems clear that trust has been broken and replaced with a battle mentality. So the first order of business is NOT to lay down the law, but rebuild the relationship. In the first interaction each morning and evening, are you building a relationship by taking an interest in your child's passions (especially if you don't like them!) or are you just getting on your child about things? When was the last time you relaxed and laughed together as a family? If you cannot enjoy time together, then rules and threats will only produce more defiance. Plan some agenda-free time together when there are no lectures, no deep talks, no agenda. Just enjoy your child and appreciate his good qualities. Ask what it takes to get to the next screen on their Gameboy and you'll freak them out! (7) Show you trust your child. Many of you will bristle at this notion, but it is critical. IF you have continually hounded your child and been "on him," I believe you should apologize. Apologize for trying to control him, apologize for not showing you trust her, apologize for not staying calm. I'd go out for pizza or have a relaxing time together, then have a casual conversation. "Jacob, I just want you to know that I've been on you all the time because I want the best for you. Unfortunately, I've been sending the message that I don't trust you. I've been taking responsibility for YOUR life and that's wrong. For that, I apologize. "Because you know what? You're a smart kid and you have a good future ahead of you. And the fact is, it's your life. Your decisions affect your life, not mine. You have a good head on your shoulders and you know right from wrong. So I'm leaving the decision to you because it's time that we allowed you to own your choices. If you need help, we're here to help. But YOU make your decisions." Try that and you will begin earning trust and respect. And you will put the choice where it belongs-squarely in your child's court. (8) Give your child tools. Our kids don't want to fail. Whenever I see a child failing or reaping consequences that don't change behavior, I ask, "Does the child need some tools to be successful?" In the case of pulling up pants, this isn't an issue. But many times, kids need tools in order to do homework, clean their room, etc. because it can often be overwhelming. Our entire curriculum is packed with very practical tools, so take advantage of that. (9) Build internal motivation. Change your child's heart, not just his behavior. This is the crux of the newsletter. Ultimately, don't you want YOUR CHILD to make the decision so he or she can own it, rather than being coerced to do so? Do you want your son to pull up his pants because he has self-respect and cares how he looks, or because you made him do it? Here is my hunch. In most of these cases when a child is being resistant, it is because the child is simply not motivated. External motivation will not work with these kids-it must come from within. The guaranteed way to ignite a child's internal motivation is to use his gifts, talents and passions to help others. When using your passion to help others, you begin to develop a vision for the future; you become accountable to other adults (not just your parents); you have purpose and begin to care about how you present yourself. So find ways for your son to use his gifts and passions at school, in church, in the community. You will notice them begin to care about their homework, appearance and attitude. It always, always works. (10) Enjoy your child and replace your verbal weapons with praise. Look for ways to compliment your child. Here's a challenge. I want you to find something, anything to praise your child for first thing in the morning, in the afternoon or evening, and at bedtime. Just try it for a week and watch these battles begin to disappear. Guess how a child in Germany took responsibility for himself after listening to the Calm Casey Kids CDs? The other day, my son told me that he was going to write down three specific things to work on (an idea from the Kids CDs). He has two, so far: 25 push-ups before going to bed and studying his French vocabulary for 10 minutes each night. Wow! Also, yesterday he came home from school and told me that he had a plan for the afternoon. He wanted to get all his homework done, if possible, before an afternoon appointment, and he told me not to allow him to take any computer breaks before he finished it. Imagine that! Kids Overwhelmed, Behavior Plans, Sensory Needs When I hear that a child has a Behavior Plan--or some kind of behavioral checklist using sad faces or check marks--my first instinct is the student is being set up for failure. 90% of the time, the behavior gets worse; the child's confidence is destroyed; teachers and parents are left frustrated. It isn't fair to students or teachers. There ARE a lot of good Behavior Plans and we need very concrete, written plans to measure and improve behavior, but if we have not met a child's internal needs, given the child practical tools and used more praise than correction, the plans will not work. This week, millions of kids are feeling overwhelmed after coming back to school from a long break. Many of them are shutting down, refusing to do work, getting in trouble because of anxiety. What does your child or student struggle with in school: blurting out, not listening, trouble at recess, aggression, touching inappropriately, making noises, lack of focus and attention, sensory issues? If our kids and teachers don't understand the root of these behaviors, we will make them worse, drain time away from class instruction and destroy a child's confidence. We must understand exactly why our kids exhibit these and other behaviors, then develop specific, concrete steps to improve behavior, build a child's confidence and make teacher's lives easier. We are going to be delving into this in detail during our January TeleCourses, but I wanted to address one critical question a teacher recently asked. Click here to learn more about our TeleCourses. This is essential training for parents and teachers. Q: I have taught for almost thirty years and this is the first year I've had a child with sensory processing issues. However, our administration refuses to address sensory needs and believes in setting up a behavior plan and working towards expected behavior goals. A: Here is my challenge to your administration. I am going to have them sit in all-day in-service training with me for three days. But I am not going to give them a lunch break or pencils with which to take notes. We'll take a couple short breaks, but otherwise they have to sit, hungry, all day long. And for those who begin to fidget and get irritable, I'm going to develop a behavior plan with rewards and consequences. If they can't recall information without taking notes, then I will mark them down until they learn to improve their short-term memory :) That is what they are asking this girl to do. She has a very real physical need, but they are ignoring that and asking her to perform without giving her tools. If just giving rewards and consequences were sufficient, the problem would have been fixed by now. Deny the need for food or sensory needs and inappropriate behavior results. Meet the need and watch behavior improve. Some schools have an aversion to "accommodations." May I be honest? I HATE that word because it makes it sound like we're giving the child excuses, some kind of unfair advantage or lessening the workload. That is NOT what we advocate. Instead, we want to give the child tools to help them process information more effectively and regulate their own behavior. There are dozens of practical tools we provide for students that improve behavior and instruction time--and make teacher's jobs much easier. But let's begin with five practical sensory tools. 1) Begin class with a game of Simon Says. It gets blood flowing and prepares students' brains to follow directions. Add a twist and meet sensory needs by "crossing the midline," which promotes cross-brain communication. "Simon Says, touch your left knee with your right hand." "Simon says squeeze your elbows." 2) Have the entire class do chair pushups. While the teacher gives directions, students place their hands by their sides and push up on their chairs. Everyone participates and everyone benefits, especially the teacher. This stimulates the brain and meets sensory needs. Plus you can make a big deal out of how big the kids' muscles are getting as the year goes on--boys especially love this! "Kirk, I tried the chair pushups the day after your in-service and the kids LOVED it. You're right--the boys like comparing their biceps. We're now doing push-ups throughout the day. Fun, practical and easy, that's why we want you to come back!" Janice H., Fairfax County, VA 3) Have sensory students do specific jobs for you--they love helping out. "Jacob, you're a really good cleaner so when you come in from recess, could you grab the water bottle and three towels, and clean the first row of desks? That would help me a lot." Remember Karate Kid and "wax on, wax off?" We are crossing the midline AND using sensory pressure. Additionally, we've given the child very specific, concrete directions and a focus for his energy. Very helpful tool. 4) Parents, your child needs exercise before school. The more vigorous, the better. Have your kids carry the head of a toothbrush, Legos, piece of sandpaper, a small strip of Velcro in his pocket. Research tells us that rubbing textured objects improves concentration and relieves anxiety. And no one has to know. "Kirk, my son (9) used to pick his fingers until they bled. When he listened to your CDs and heard you say it would be okay if he took a couple Lego pieces to school as long as he didn't disrupt class, you should have seen how excited he was! He went in and talked to his teacher all by himself and I was so proud. The funniest thing is that he's helped a couple other kids in class with some of your suggestions. So we've got a mini-Kirk now. Down to one tantrum a week instead of 8 or 9. Thanks so much. Your resources are the best!" Kate H., Long Island, NY 5) Praise, praise, praise. Using a strengths-based approach is proven to improve behavior. Catch students doing well. Give your energy to the specific moments students are controlling themselves and exhibiting appropriate behavior. "I really appreciate how you are raising your hand, Alex." Build a mindset of success, not failure. We'll be discussing IEP and 504 Plans, how to forge partnerships with schools and dozens of more strategies beginning with next week's TeleCourse so we hope to meet you on the line. How We Are Destroying An Entire Generation We, as a society, are destroying an entire generation of kids because we don't understand them. We make assumptions about their motives that are usually wrong. We try to fit creative, intense kids into a cookie-cutter box, then wonder why they don't feel good about themselves. Over the years, we have lost this battle and lost some kids-some to suicide, most to years of flailing about unmotivated and misunderstood. This hit home again when I received these two letters. Please read the "Dear Mom & Dad" letter below-it will change the way you view your children and students. Teenager Making A Written Plan So my son (15) is a tough nut to crack and pretty much has controlled our home to this point. For Christmas, we put Casey's [Straight Talk for Kids] CD in his stocking along with some chocolate to make it go down better. He was like, "Really, Mom?" I wanted to smack him with it, but I stayed calm and thought that you'd be proud of me. I just told him there were some good ways in there to drive the car more (next year) and get more privileges. Just listen by yourself once, I told him. I forgot about it, but last night we're cooking (it's the one thing he'll do around the house) and he comes out with this, "Hey Mom, I'm sorry for my attitude. I thought I was being tough and all, but I've just been hurting myself and everyone else." I just about dropped a pot of boiling water, but played dumb. Hmmm, where did that come from, I asked. He said he had listened to Casey and a lot of what he said made sense. He said, "That kid's a lot like me, with the arguing and all. But he's musical like me and has a plan. I want a plan." So we printed out the Workbook on the last CD and started creating a plan like Casey did. My son's plan is not the way I would do it, but I never would have thought he'd actually be writing out a plan with goals for his future. Would it be okay if he emailed Casey? Thank you, thank you for this gift! Tracey R., East Lansing, MI [Editor's Note: Casey is developing his own website, and under my supervision, is answering questions and encouraging kids who are working on their plans.] Are your kids practicing the 10 Habits of Powerful People? Kirk and Casey, you may remember us from Casey's Workshop. My son (8) was the one who folded his arms and acted like he wasn't listening to you. I was so embarrassed! Anyway, I got the Kids CD and let him listen to it alone like you suggested. He especially liked the part at the beginning where Casey explains all of his odd habits and struggles-it really seemed to connect with my son, especially after seeing that Casey is kind of a cool kid. Over the holidays, he came to me and said he was working on 5 of the 10 habits you guys mention on the CDs. He also told my husband that he needed to work on a few of them, which went over really well! We're seeing good changes and wanted to thank Casey for putting himself out there and sharing his own struggles-it makes kids feel more normal. Happy New Year! John and Stacey D., Dallas, TX Dear Mom and Dad, I want you to know what it's like to be me. My brain runs like a washing machine powered by a Ferrari engine. It runs all the time and it runs fast, churning and tumbling ideas like shirts and pants and socks mixed together. I can be talking to you and having another conversation running inside my head. I can be in class listening to the teacher, but be fully engaged in a daydream about Legos or hearing a new song on my guitar. You know how I sometimes repeat questions? It's not that I didn't hear your answer. It's just that in the second between the time I asked and you responded, I went somewhere interesting in my mind. Sometimes I have so many thoughts swimming inside my head that I just blurt things out because I'm afraid I will forget them. I kind of like all this energy inside my head because I can keep myself entertained in there by myself. But other times I feel scattered and like there's not much order up in my brain. Everything's swirling. That's why I like things to be just so and I why I need to know what we're doing all the time. It's why I end up wearing or eating the same things. New things freak me out a bit because I don't know what to expect, so please don't be mad at me when I'm anxious. I want to do well in school. But sometimes the ideas in my head are so strong or interesting, and when I follow them even for a few seconds, I fall behind. And once I'm lost in class, sometimes I figure I may as well just keep thinking about these ideas. It's like they call to me to work on them and see them through. This is hard to explain, but sometimes I feel my body screaming to me to move and like I need contact, to push up against something. It makes me feel better inside. I'll be sitting in class and if I haven't gotten any exercise, I feel like I'm about to explode. But then I know my teacher will get upset if I get up, so I sit there kind of frozen, not sure what to do. I promise I don't get in trouble on purpose. Okay, I was lying. Sometimes I do get in trouble on purpose. I like to get the reaction from people when I'm bored. It wakes my brain up. And if I'm really bored or my body is screaming at me, I'll get in trouble just so I can get out of class to walk down the hall. It's such a relief. But then I feel bad later and I know everyone is mad at me. I don't expect you to understand this, but little things just bother me. I'm not making it up to be difficult, I promise, so please don't be mad at me when I tell you some place smells really bad or I have to change my socks or it's too loud and I have to leave the room. I know you get tired of fixing the same thing for me to eat, but a lot of foods just don't feel right and it feels like I'm going to gag. I'll try better. Sometimes being a kid is tough for me. I'd rather be doing grown up stuff, I'd rather hang out with adults and older kids. I get bored with kid stuff pretty easily. It's like I have an adult brain and ideas stuck inside a kid's body. That's why I like to hang out with Uncle Tom and work down at Mr. Brown's shop with him-he gives me grown up jobs and trusts me. And he always says I do a good job for him, and that makes me feel good. There's something inside me that says if I can just get through childhood, I'm going to make a great adult one day. I'll be a good Dad because I know what it feels like to hurt as a kid and be misunderstood. And I know I don't always do great in school, but I have good ideas and I can work at something really hard when I'm passionate about it. I don't have any fear of the future, it's just the present that isn't much fun. Okay, I know I say I'm all grown up and everything in some ways, but things hurt me more than you think. I know you guys are trying really hard and I'm difficult, but I kind of know that everyone wishes I were different. I see the way Grandma and Grandpa treat Adam and Grace different than me. You know all those little comments you guys make, the way Dad shakes his head in disapproval, the way Mom groans and all those hushed conversations you have with the teacher, therapist and principal? I know what it means. I know people think I'm a bad kid because I don't always behave like my brother and sister or the other kids. That's why I like hanging out with Buster a lot, because he likes me the way I am because I give him lots of attention and take him on walks. And that's why I like to play video games and be alone sometimes. It's like my heart can only take so much and then I have to withdraw a little bit. I know I don't get invited to birthday parties like Adam and Grace. It used to really hurt me, but in some ways I like not having a lot of friends. It's partly by choice, because I'm pretty content inside actually. I like who I am, but it's tough when no one else seems to. Why does everyone want to change who I am? I'm not unhappy with myself-I'm uneasy because since I can remember, everyone around me has been so negative and tried to fix what they think is wrong with me. You want me to talk more, but you just psychoanalyze me. Besides, it's difficult to express my thoughts and feelings verbally-they just get jumbled up. I'd rather express them in my writing and music. I want you to know that I feel things deeply, I do. I hurt with the kids who get left out, and one day I'm going to help those kids. I know how it feels. I know you get concerned because I stay up late at night and don't sleep much. But I like it when it's quiet. I can hear my thoughts better. And my world is peaceful then. Mom and Dad, don't worry about me. I may not do great in school or be the most popular kid, but I'm content inside. I like the way my brain works, I like my energy. If everyone would stop trying to fix me, I'd be okay. Let me focus on the things I love doing. Drawing, building, playing music. Please stop trying to make me be like everyone else. I like who I am. Do you? Thank you for all you do for me. You think I don't appreciate it, but I do. I know I'm not exactly the way you want me to be or the kid you expected, but I'm going to be good as an adult and you'll be proud of me then. Love, Your Son Getting Kids Motivated, Focused & Calm; Special audio clip for Stressed-Out Moms Q: My daughter seems so angry at me lately. When I pick her up from school, she'll just bark at me. And when I try to compliment her (i.e. "Honey, I just want to honor the patience that you are showing me by waiting in line"), she'll tell me to stop talking that way. Here is my gut reaction. Your daughter thinks you are talking down to her when you are using that language--it sounds patronizing to some kids and almost manipulative. So my advice? Let her have 30 minutes of silence after school. Don't feel the need to fill the silence. This is a tough one for some parents, but please don't be afraid of silence. Your kids will respect you giving them space. Besides, when they are ready to talk, they will. And you'd rather have them coming to you initiating conversations. Speak to your daughter as an adult. This shows trust and I bet she'll live up to higher expectations. When she is emotional, use a non-emotional, matter-of-fact tone. She has enough drama in her life all day; she doesn't need more in the evening. This shows her that you are in charge, that the adult in her life isn't fazed by her moodiness or difficulties. Some of our kids have a difficult time accepting praise--it doesn't square with how they feel inside. So they often push back or say, "I'm stupid." Use what I call "drive-by praise." You walk by your child and praise them using very matter-of-fact language. Instead of trying to convince your child that she is good at something, you are making statements of fact that are not open to negotiation. "Susan, you've always been great at adding numbers in your head." "Jacob, you've always been really good at solving problems. I know you can figure this out." Then keep walking. Do not wait for or respond to their pushback. Sometimes I'll tell Casey, "Hey, good choice. I'm proud of you for that." And then I walk away so he doesn't feel obligated to respond. Writing notes is also a very good way to communicate praise without eliciting a defensive response. Try it. Here's how one Mom helped change her son's mood: "Kirk, I was so excited to get the Straight Talk for Kids CDs in the mail yesterday. My son was in such a grumpy, irrational mood, that I could not tear the package open and put the CDs in quick enough for us to start listening. He immediately stopped complaining and being irritable. We listened to more of the CDs this morning. He was listening intently and would point out who in our family you were talking about. We really like the story of the blanket [Casey and I tell a story on the CDs about the blanket I take on the road, and sensory kids really connect with that and don't feel so strange about their quirks]. Everyone in the family received a soft blanket for Christmas as their special blanket, so there are no fights about who gets which blanket." Q: I have a student who loves to read, but I can't get him to put his book down to re-engage in class. I have given him consequences and threatened to take his book away if he doesn't respond. Remember this principle: you can't command until you've connected. Sometimes as parents and teachers, we are in too much of a hurry. So we jump right into commanding our kids without connecting first. In this case, we have a boy who loves to read--we should encourage that! So try this. "Ryan, I love that you're reading something interesting. As soon as we complete our math assignment, could you share with the class one or two things that you find interesting about your book?" "Dylan, I can see you love that book. After we complete our vocabulary words, I'd be really interested to learn two facts you have learned today while reading." When we use this approach, we affirm something good in our students (they love to read!) instead of somehow making it negative; we redirect them using very specific directions; we set the expectations (we're going to do math first); we give them something to look forward to related to their passion. Connecting usually only takes 10 seconds, but it saves a lot of battles. We've been inundated with emails about kids struggling with issues in school after the holidays, so we'll be providing specific, step-by-step strategies to make long-term changes with the Creating Behavior Plans TeleCourse. Click here to learn more. Q: You talk about kids feeling overwhelmed. What about parents? I'm a stressed-out Mom. Help! As an added bonus to this newsletter, we recorded a seven-minute audio clip on how to Reclaim Your Individuality and life distinct from being a Mom. Click here to listen to this clip. It will come up on your computer so you can listen. Here's what we'll be discussing this month in the 9 ½ Secrets for Stressed-Out Moms TeleCourse. It's very different: Why you should put yourself first; how to reclaim your individuality; freedom from guilt and being responsible for managing everyone and everything; how to get what you want, including respect. Message from Casey to Kids: Never Make Excuses The second way to become extremely powerful is to take power over your choices and make no excuses. We have very high expectations for you because you have everything inside you need to be incredibly successful. So let's get this straight. You must resolve within yourself that you are going to live life with no excuses. It's not about what someone else does. It's not about what your brother or sister or classmate or teacher or father or mother does. Your life is going to be determined by what YOU do. If you make excuses and blame things on someone else, you give another person power over your life. You have placed your future in their hands. That's unacceptable for people like us. We are people who take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. I know that you think that you don't have any power or choices in your life, but that's wrong thinking. The fact is that you have an incredible amount of power over your life. No one gets to choose your attitude for you. You choose that. No one gets to choose your mood for you. You choose that. No one gets to choose your reactions for you. You choose that. No one gets to choose how you use your energy. You choose that. You make choices and your choices affect which road you travel down in life. I know grown adults, people who are 30, 40, and 50 years-old, who haven't learned this yet. And they live life blaming other people or circumstances for their failure. We are not going to do that. Some of you will say, "But I have all these issues and struggles that other people don't have." You are partially correct, but you've only told half the story. The truth is that people like us do have some struggles and challenges other people don't face. We feel like we're swimming upstream because we don't fit into the way society wants us to. We may have difficulty remembering things, sitting for a long time or focusing in class-yeah, that makes school more difficult. These sensory issues cause us some difficulties. That's true. Unfortunately, many people spend too much time focusing on our weaknesses. And so we think that we have all these disadvantages because we don't see our strengths. Begin watching and studying people, and you'll learn this. Every single person on the planet has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone. Successful people overcome obstacles and spend most of their time using their strengths to their advantage. The part you left out is this: you have strengths and advantages that others don't have. You are incredibly creative in your thinking and way you do things. You aren't afraid to ask why, to do things differently, to try new things. You feel things other people don't. When you are interested in something, you can focus on it like a pit bull for hours and hours-this will help you get things done that others can only dream about. You have a ton of energy-if you use this in purposeful, positive ways you can literally change the world. And that is what you are called to do. So let's not wallow in any excuses about how things are tougher for us. Let's be who we are made to be. For ourselves. But also for another reason. Society needs people like us to be ourselves. All of the cool stuff that everyone has on their Christmas or birthday list is designed and created by people like us. Every great new invention comes from someone who said, "There has to be a better way to do it." Do you have an iPod or want one? The iPod was developed by a guy named Steve Jobs, one of the founders of Apple Computer. Can't you imagine him saying one day many years ago, "I'm going to design this little device that fits in your pocket and holds 5,000 songs." And can you see people scoffing at him and saying, "That's impossible"? Star Wars, Harry Potter, the Wii, all the best movies and books and songs, come from people who feel the world around them, who are sensitive to their surroundings. You have a cool brain. You are wired like this on purpose. Now it's up to you to honor that purpose and design by using your gifts and passions to help others and society. You have a really great future ahead of you. 6 Ways to Stop Power Struggles Q: Who is responsible for my child's moods? Let this Mom answer: "I was so excited to get the Straight Talk for Kids CDs in the mail yesterday. My son was in such a grumpy, irrational mood, that I could not tear the package open and put the CDs in quick enough for us to start listening. He immediately stopped complaining and being irritable. We listened to more of the CDs this morning. He was listening intently and would point out who in our family you were talking about. We really like the story of the blanket [one of my sensory quirks is taking my quilt when I travel-kids don't feel so weird after hearing that an adult has a blankie!] because we are a blanket family! Thanks." Q: It seems like everything we do with our son ends in a power struggle. He just fights us on everything. We have a tremendous amount on power in these situations as parents, more than we know. I have 13 ways to end power struggles, but we're going to share 6 today as Casey and I are traveling for workshops in Louisville, Indianapolis, Montgomery, New Orleans and Memphis. Hope to see you there! 1. I'm not a big fan of the phrase, "You just have to choose your battles." I understand it, but I don't want to entertain the mindset that I am going to "battle" or "fight" someone I love, with the goal of winning. 2. Kids always win power struggles. Actually, no one wins power struggles because if a child "wins" in the short-term, they lose in the end because now they are in control-and they are not equipped to be in control. They need us as adults to be in control of ourselves and be that immovable rock they can count on. 3. Check your own heart. This is where we challenge ourselves and you to be brutally honest with yourself. I believe 85% of power struggles are caused by our own anxiety as parents. When our kids are in an emotional state, it makes us anxious...and we return their intensity with our own intensity, dumping fuel on the fire. And it always escalates. We must, must, must learn to control our own anxiety and put out or kids' emotional fires. If you do not know how to do that, please get the tools to do so. We're discussing this in detail on the Stop Reacting TeleCourse. 4. Battles over messy bedrooms, hygiene, potty training, homework usually stem from our anxiety and the fact that we can't control the situation. So we end up creating a power struggle or just cleaning their room or doing homework for them. I know it's hard, but we have to teach our kids how to be responsible for their own behavior. See Parenting CD # 4 for this. 5. Let me provide an insight I shared in response to a question this week from a parent on our TeleCourses. She asked why her kids fight her so hard over cleaning their bedrooms. The truth is that the Mom struggles with anxiety and OCD issues-SHE needs everything to be just so. Out of her own need, she badgers her kids (and husband) to clean and organize. If she were my Mom, I would refuse to clean my room for two reasons. First, I know that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. Isn't that true? I was that way when Casey cut the grass-I was never pleased. So as a kid, I say, "Why bother? It's never good enough and I can't please my parents anyway." Second, I know that if I want to get a reaction from my Mom, I'll just keep my door open and make sure it's messy. Because every time she walks by, I hear her grumble. Sometimes, just sometimes, when you let go of your own anxiety over their bedroom-and relinquish this power struggle they enjoy, because they know they can control your emotions by not cleaning up-they end up cleaning. Our anxiety will heighten their anxiety. 6. If a power struggle is about getting a reaction, then we need to provide the child with purposeful stimulation. That way, their brains get the stimulation they need from positive interactions instead of negative. Teaching kids how to stimulate their brains, instead of looking to others as a source of stimulation, is the most powerful tool we can give our kids. Listen how this child learned: "Kirk, my son has been listening to Casey's [Straight Talk for] Kids CDs since coming to the Calm Casey workshop. The biggest change I have noticed is this: he's not picking fights with his sister, brother, or me for that matter. It's odd, I have to admit! So I asked him about it the other day. He looked at me with this real thoughtful look and paused for a moment. He said, 'I just decided I wasn't going to give power over my emotions and brain to everyone else. I like being in control of myself.' I was floored, in a good way! So tell Casey thank you and his CDs are life-changing. He's making a difference in our family." S. Jenkins, Dallas, TX Sibling fights, anxiety, bullying and confidence For some reason yesterday morning, I woke up with a great deal of anxiety over finances. Not sure where it came from, but it was real. I always try to exercise, give thanks, pray, get my focus on other things to relieve the anxiety. Sometimes I'll just roll with it, get a good night's sleep and know it will pass. But sometimes when I feel anxious about something-remember, anxiety is caused by unknowns that we can't control-I try to take concrete action to counter that anxiety. So as Casey and I were driving down to Montgomery, AL yesterday, I said, "Why don't we donate everything we make tonight to this home for neglected and abused children in Montgomery?" Last night was a great night. The anxiety lifted. My mind was fixed on these abused kids and the tireless professionals who work with these kids day in and day out. My focus became outward instead of inward. And so we said, "Let's just go with this!" So here is what we are doing with this week's newsletter: with the purchase of the new Calm Casey KIDS CDs, we are going to give away the "Stop Reacting" Telecourse (one of my favorites--$149 value) and give every single penny to Brantwood Children's Home. Click here to learn more about Brantwood and the important work they do. And remember. In the face of anxiety, always take a concrete action step to counter it. It works! Q: My son will get upset and call his sister mean names. I've tried talking him through it, explaining how it isn't right to hurt someone's feelings. We've done timeouts and I've yelled. Nothing works. A: Here's what Casey and I teach kids during schools assemblies and on the Kids CDs. First, children who call names and bully usually lack self-confidence. They resort to tearing others down to make themselves feel superior to one person. Please do not miss this, though: the person being bullied needs to demonstrate self-confidence and self-respect as well. This goes for the sister in this example and Moms who often get bullied at home by grumpy kids. Second, your son is enjoying the reaction he is getting from you and your daughter. Your reactions give him power and he's clearly enjoying that. Third, lectures and empty threats mean nothing to him at the moment. They simply don't register. Fourth, your son needs to learn how to calm himself. Once he learns to stay calm when disappointed or upset, he will not resort to calling names, throwing tantrums or causing general upheaval. So let's discover several ways to deal with this. 1. Build your child's self-confidence by using his gifts, talents and passions to help others. Children who have a vision for the future and feel content because they have purposeful missions in their lives are not as apt to pick on others. Does your child have more positive activities in his life than negative? We need to spend 80% of our energy building vision, purpose and motivation. 2. Show self-respect. I give credit for this brilliant example to a nine-year-old girl named Amanda in California. Here's what her Mom told me. "My daughter is often the target of my son who has ADHD. We were listening to your Kids CDs together and my daughter said, 'That's it, Mom. I'm not going to give my power to Davis when he insults me. I'm going to stay calm and control myself. I'm going to respect myself and not worry about what Davis does.' Amanda has followed through and it put an end to it." Wow, so Amanda is more mature than most of us! Her answer is spot on. So how do we do this in practical ways? When your son comes downstairs and begins hurling insults, siblings and parents can say in a calm, matter-of-fact way, "Ethan, I'd love to sit down, eat breakfast with you and talk about the new video game coming out this week. When you're ready to talk to me respectfully, I'm all ears." I like this route because I want to be connected to my child, and I just gave him a very clear way to make that happen. "Ethan, when you're ready to apologize for calling me names, I'll help you out with breakfast. Until then, I've got things to do." Moms, please let your kids know that you have a life, too, that is just as important as theirs. You are NOT their servant and you do not owe them your attention or help when they disrespect you. Resist the lecture, stay calm and walk away. Do not take abuse. Calm is not a doormat; calm shows self-respect and is assertive. "Ethan, I know you think you're trying to hurt my feelings by calling me names. The thing is, I know I'm not stupid nor am I ugly." Then get up and calmly walk away. This is Amanda showing self-respect and confidence. Amanda can simply ignore her brother's comments and calmly, matter-of-factly say, "You're not taking my power, Ethan." When kids begin to learn that by staying calm and not reacting to others they become the most powerful person in the world, it is transforming. (Works for us as adults, too!). And it works in the classroom as we teach through the Brain Boosters curriculum. 3. Model calm. In order to change behavior, you must first model the behavior. Talking about it means very little to our kids. Want your son to stay calm and not get upset when he loses a game? Tell me this: are you staying calm as parents, in traffic, when something breaks or doesn't go right for you? Are you controlling yourselves? Modeling is the best lecture. 4. Lead your child to calm. Often when kids are calling names, it's because of their own anxiety or something is emotionally upsetting to them. So I'd like to get to the root of that. "Ethan, this calling names thing doesn't sound like you. Are you anxious about something? I'm all ears if you want to talk about anything bugging you, but calling names doesn't work in this family. So take a minute and think about it." Then keep doing what you were doing and try to lead your son to a calm place. 5. Make it visual. Long lectures typically don't accomplish anything. Make a heart shape out of construction paper. Every time your son says something hurtful, your daughter can grab the heart and tear a piece of it off. She can drop it on the floor or silently hand it to your son, then walk away. No lecture, no yelling, no response. Just a visual that will tell the story. 6. Make calm your family mission. Help each other become calm. Ask your kids to hold you accountable. Last night, there was this great Mom (originally from NJ) at the Workshop who said the "Jersey" in her came out when the kids pushed her buttons. So why not ask the kids to say, "I hear Jersey Mom coming" when you're getting upset? It's a fun way to break the tension and actively work on staying calm. Our kids DO NOT like our anxiety. We need to learn to lead our spouses and kids (not to mention, co-workers, friends, sports coaches and bosses) to calm. So listen to the CDs together and individually. Come to the Calm Casey and other workshops. Talk about ways to stay calm. It's really cool how this works. Here's what a Mom from Indianapolis said the other day: "Everyone in our family worked together to remind one another to keep their power, and no excuses. I cannot remember the last time we worked together as a team. I understand we have a long road ahead of us, but now we are all stepping in the same direction." 8 More Ways to Stop Power Struggles Q: It seems like everything we do with our son ends in a power struggle. He just fights us on everything. We have a tremendous amount on power in these situations as parents, more than we know. Last time, we provided 6 ways to end power struggles and today we'll provide 8 more practical ways. 7. Many power struggles occur when our kids are emotionally invested in a decision, or when they are upset. IF we do not lead them to a calm, rational state of mind FIRST-and instead just squash their thoughts, feelings and emotions-we will unnecessarily create a power struggle and argument. It only takes a few seconds to do this, but it's pretty easy once you learn to control your own emotions. (See Defiance & Disrespect CDs). 8. Sometimes our kids fight us because they don't have tools to complete a chore, homework, etc. We see this in the classroom daily. A child refuses to do his work. He misses recess, has notes sent home, gets sent to the Principal's office. Consequences at home and school escalate. And still, the student does not respond. That's because it isn't just willful disobedience; the child may be afraid of sounding stupid asking for help, or may just think he's dumb. In reality, he just needs some tools to help him process the work more effectively. Rather than feel like a failure, however, the child may lash out. So take a moment and ask, "Does my child just need some tools to be able to complete his homework, do the chore, etc.?" This is a big key. (See Brain Boosters CDs for dozens of tools). 9. You can't have rules without a relationship. You can't command until you connect. With kids like this, you have to spend 15 or 20 seconds establishing the relationship first. Coming into a room and barking orders will usually elicit pushback-just like you resist internally when your boss barges into your cube and throws five new projects on your desk without thanking you for your help, asking about your sick child, etc. Sit down, connect, ask about their interests, compliment them. I guarantee you will get compliance much more easily. I go through this with a ton of examples on the Defiance CDs, especially in the one CD for Dads. 10. I have every right as a parent to say, "No" and declare martial law in my home. I have done that and it's fine. My preference, though, is for my kids to make the right decisions themselves, so that they learn how to think critically and use sound judgment. If I make the decisions all the time, then I am responsible for my child's behavior and rob them of an opportunity to either a) make a good choice and feel confident or b) make a bad choice and learn from consequences. Both choices are preferable to me always making the decision. 11. Try to give your son ownership (not control!). "So here's the deal, Casey. We need the grass cut and car washed by tomorrow night. Let me know your plan for getting this done." I still control the expectations and consequences for not doing the chores, but I have given my son some ownership over how to do them. Check your heart: some of us are control freaks and we just have to have it done our way, right now because we can't deal with variations. That will poison your relationship. 12. Get to the root of the issue. If you have a child who is oppositional, he likely has no vision, doesn't feel like he fits in and has a negative self-perception. If that's how I view the world, you better believe I'm going to fight everyone and everything I encounter, for self-preservation and to create a thicker wall around my heart to stop feeling so much pain from loneliness and despair. Fighting a child like that will only cause them to become more entrenched. We need to tap into their gifts and passions, to stop trying to fix all their weaknesses, and instead build upon their strengths. As Casey tells kids, stop fighting people and start fighting obstacles. 13. Relieve anxiety. 75% of power struggles occur because of anxiety-whether it's our kids' or our anxiety. So before you react to a situation, comment or attitude, take eight seconds and ask yourself, "Is this ugliness coming from anxiety somehow?" Much of the time, it is. You can then address the child's anxiety (over school, meeting new people, going to the doctor, new experiences, etc.) and watch the defiance melt away. If you learn how to calm your own anxiety and teach your kids how to control their own emotions, you will save countless fights, tears and regrets over hurtful words. 14. Be the fireman in your home. A couple came up to us last night and told us they had tried everything with their two defiant children--counseling, therapy, endless consequences, etc.--but everything focused on the child. The Dad said, "When I listened to your CDs, it really hit me how much power I have over my kids' reactions by controlling MYSELF, not them. I caused half the fights in our home without even knowing it, but now I have tools and my wife calls me her fireman because I put out fires instead of igniting them. It's changed our home." 5 COMMON LIES OF MARRIAGE Lie # 1: Your spouse is supposed to make you happy. If I depend on my spouse to make me happy and to meet my deepest needs, I place power over my emotions and happiness in her hands. Way too much responsibility and pressure! Lie #2: Your spouse should know what you want without her telling you. This is the most common quality of heroes in romantic books. That is why they are called fiction :) Lie #3: I can change my spouse. When you try to change your spouse, it usually makes things worse. Lie #4: The grass is greener. The grass of your marriage may appear brown and dead; it's not. It's just dormant because it hasn't been watered in a really long time. Water your own grass and watch it grow. Lie #5: All you need is love. What happens when feelings are no longer there? Sign up for the Relationships 911 TeleCourse and let's restore your relationships. We have 30 free workshops scheduled in February and March alone, so please click here to see if we're coming to your town. You may need to refresh your page to get all the new events loaded. We have open dates in GA, WI, MI, IL, IA, MN, MA, NY and more if you have a school or church interested in hosting. We are adding dates for Sept. in NE, WY, Western Canada, WA, CA, AZ, OK, AR and more. Casey's Message to Kids The following is one of the messages that Casey and I deliver directly to your kids on the brand new Straight Talk for Kids CDs. NO ONE and NO THING can have power over you unless YOU choose to allow it to. Yeah, I know, sometimes people are really annoying and bad stuff happens to us. But we always have a CHOICE in how we respond. So let's talk about choices. You have choices to make and your choices affect your life. You get to choose how to respond to your brothers or sisters, how you respond to classmates, how you respond to situations and disappointment. Your choices affect your life-not my life, not your teacher's life, not your parent's life or anyone else's. It's not about anyone else and what they think, it's about you and your choices. Think about that. You have an incredible amount of power in life. Yeah, I know you don't always get to choose where you live, what you eat, where you go to school, your bedtime or other stuff. BUT you do get to choose what attitude you have in the morning-you get to choose how you deal with adversity and difficulties. You can let them own you or you can have power over them. Are you going to control your emotions and calm yourself down when you get disappointed or are you going to throw a tantrum and scream? When you feel stressed or anxious, are you going to yell at people you love, or learn how to calm yourself down? When a sibling or classmate annoys you, are you going to react to them, or are you going to choose to do something nice and be giving to others? You determine your future. We've been taught that we have to control and manipulate other people in order to get what we want. That's why we whine, complain, threaten and try to wear our parents down until they give in and give us what we want. But when we do that, we give complete control and power over our emotions and actions to someone else. We are dependent on others to do what we want-because if THEY don't give us what we want, we get upset. My Dad taught me this really cool way of looking at life. The best way to influence other people is to first control myself. When I try to control what other people do, how they react or how things work out in life, it stresses me out. It's beyond my control anyway and that causes a lot of anxiety. The only person I can really control in life is myself. I can't control my parents (even though I try sometimes), I can't control other kids, I can't control my teachers and I can't control circumstances. But I can control myself, how I react to other people and situations. This gives me a ton of power in my life. I just got my drivers license and I want to drive, a lot. I've learned that the best way to get the car as much as I want is NOT to bug my parents, give them guilt trips or try to manipulate them. For one, it doesn't work and it usually backfires because my Dad will just give me the opposite of what I want when I bug him. But this is cool. I have learned that if I control myself and have a good attitude, am responsible, come home on time and run errands for my parents, I get more time driving. So by controlling my own actions, I pretty much determine how much time I get to drive. Because when my parents trust me, they give me more freedom, which gives me more control. You are going to face challenges and obstacles, bad things beyond your control are going to happen. People are going to be mean and not fair. Count on it. It's called life. But what separates successful people from those who are always unhappy and bitter is how they respond to those situations and people. NO ONE and NO THING can make you fail. So it is entirely in your control-the greatest threat to your success is your own attitude, belief in yourself, work ethic and response. Remember, you can't control anything or anyone else in your life-you can only control yourself. So if you practice controlling yourself, your attitudes and your responses, you will find yourself creating the exact future that you want. And the person who controls himself is very powerful. Kids listen to Casey: " My husband and I are changing our thinking and it is having an impact on our son. He actually stopped playing his Wii long enough to listen to Casey's words. There was no eye rolling or mumbling. He wants to know how Casey knows how he feels!" Homework, Addiction, Infidelity & 19 Hard Questions 1. Life is messy and hard. Relationships with spouses and kids can be extremely daunting. Read 19 hard questions we have already received in anticipation of February's TeleCourses on medication and marriage: My spouse and I fight constantly about the medication debate - it is a huge strain on our marriage and my kids know we fight about it. Is there a happy medium where we can settle our differences? My child refuses to take their medicine and is out of control without it. What can I do? Is there a natural remedy/alternative to medication? Nutritional supplements? My child has anxiety and sensory issues-can those issues be causing distractions in class? Can diet affect OCD behavior? My son's friends found out he takes meds and make fun of him. He is devastated. What can I do to build his confidence and meet new friends? My child refuses everyday to take her meds. What can I do to reduce the fight? Other family members/friends tell me the medication is masking the real issues. How do I know what the real issue might be? What are the steps I can take to make a solid choice? I have a lot of guilt giving my child medication but it helps so much - she can function and has improved so much - how do I deal with this? We've been distant for a long time, just living in the same house. What are a few steps we can take to reconnect? My spouse just admitted to cheating-is there any way to fix this? My spouse is controlling and will not let me have my own email account, what can I do? I don't even think my spouse likes me anymore and it hurts. I don't know what to do. I want to buy your CDs but my husband says they are a waste of money-should I buy them behind his back? How can I communicate my feelings with my wife without her feeling like I am criticizing her? I found my spouse on internet pornography sites and am humiliated-what should I do? We are getting a divorce, what can I do to alleviate my kids' anxieties? I am a single mom--is it ok to date or go out with friends now and then? I feel so guilty. Our babysitter always calls in the middle of our date and we rush home-how can we enjoy some time alone? My spouse is drinking too much-how do I handle this? This has prompted us to do something special. The truth is many people won't sign up for these subjects because they are embarrassed or don't have the funds. But it is critical that we address these situations and answer these questions. So here is what we are going to do. We are going to offer a 2-for-1 special this month. Click here to register for February's new TeleCourses on Marriage and Medication. You will receive access to BOTH TeleCourses and we will answer each and every question you have, even if we need to add an extra session. So you get 6 consultative sessions for only $25 per session. Because this isn't in person, we can deal with messy, ugly, real-life situations with complete anonymity for you. We are taking an honest, balanced, challenging, but non-judgmental approach to answer these tough, real-life questions. Please take advantage of this because not only do our kids need us to have strong relationships, you deserve that. 2. Click here or read below to see our Workshop schedule for February. We're coming to Nashville; Charlotte (4 events); New Jersey; Northern Virginia/Maryland (3 events); and Atlanta (3). These events are free and open to the public. Spread the word and come on out. 3. Head west, young man! We're excited to announce we have just opened up dates for Back-to-School Workshops (the best time to reach parents and teachers) all across the western part of the country: Kansas, Nebraska, Montana, western Canada, Washington, Oregon, California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma and more. Please reply to this email with your city and state-we will send you all the details you need to schedule a workshop at your school or church. 4. We also have open dates for Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, St. Louis, Iowa, New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania and Ohio. Email for details. 5. As always, if you are struggling financially, but say inside, "We could REALLY use those tools," let us know. We're not a big, impersonal corporation. We're family with the same struggles as you. We have had such positive feedback since the New Year we want to keep the momentum going with families and schools. See below for specials on the CDs. HOMEWORK HELP The three big enemies of homework time are anxiety, lack of confidence and an under-stimulated brain. Our anxiety as parents, hovering over dawdling kids barking, "If you just focused, you could be done in 45 minutes instead of three hours" tends to make the situation worse for some reason! For some kids, homework has been such a struggle that they no longer believe in themselves and expect the worst, so they shut down. Part of the reason they struggle is that physiologically, their brains tend to be under-stimulated (lack of blood flow and dopamine). 1. Control your own anxiety. I know it's tough when you are in a hurry and your child processes slowly, but your anxiety will cause them to go slower. So be available to help, but be actively doing something yourself-reading a magazine (or faking to while you seethe!), balancing your checkbook, cooking, doing your own homework. 2. Give your kids context. Many kids we work with need to understand the larger concept before they can understand the details. If they just appear lost, they probably are. So close that book and try to relate that math problem to something that is more tangible (coins, money, legos) or interesting to them (yesterday, Casey was working on a complex Algebraic word problem...so I related it to cars and horsepower and got the "Ahhhhh, I get it now" response a minute later). Teachers, providing context and the larger picture is more important than you may realize. People with brains like ours need to understand the framework before we get the details. Learn more in the Brain Boosters curriculum. 3. Research and science tell us that multi-sensory stimulation improves attention and retention. Movement helps anchor learning in the brain. So get your kids moving! Review vocabulary and facts while kids are jumping on the trampoline, playing catch, kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Let them do homework while bouncing on an exercise ball (great for sensory needs and strengthening the core as well). Casey shares his favorite way to do homework on the Straight Talk for Kids CDs. 4. Rhythm is an extremely important tool to aid processing. I have taught more kids to read on swings than anywhere else. Our kids refer to it as "swing school." Do homework in a rocking chair, while listening to rhythmic music, while eating a snack. Yes, have snack time WHILE you do homework. Mix in movement and rhythm and watch what happens. 5. Make it fun, make it a challenge. Put a blanket over the table and let your kids do homework in their fort. Climb under there with them and have a snack while you do "Camp Homework." Let them try different places-outside, in their tree fort, at a local coffee shop. "Kirk, my son (12) and daughter (9) asked me the other day to do homework 'the Casey way' so I said, 'Go for it.' They each came up with different ways to do it. My son actually lies on the floor with his feet up on the sofa, listening to his iPod. Drives me crazy, but it works. Tell Casey thank you for making homework time less stressful!" Stacy G., Dallas, TX |
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