Stop Defiance & Disrespect Immediately We have been inundated with feedback from the new Defiance, Disrespect & Dads CD's. Here are three great questions (one is very funny, but instructive) that will help you completely calm your home and classroom. (1) FROM A MOM: WHY IS MY DAUGHTER ASKING ME TO SCREAM AT HER?! Q: Wahoo! I cannot thank you enough. We got the Defiance & Disrespect CD's last week in Toronto and guess what? It works! I used the phrases you taught us and instead of dumping more fuel on the fire, I have found that I have the power to calm our house down. The first couple times I used your suggests on posture, the phrases and focusing on getting my child to move, it worked so well I was kind of in shock and didn't know what to do. I had been gearing up for the fight and when it didn't happen, I didn't know what to do because I was so used to screaming. But now it's becoming more natural. Here's my question. After the first couple times of doing this, my daughter yelled at me, "Mommy, why aren't you screaming at me?" I didn't know whether to laugh or be disturbed. Why is she saying that? A: This is very common. Remember, one of the reasons our kids get so hooked on fighting us is because it's the one time of the day they are guaranteed to get what they want and need: our undivided attention and emotional involvement. Your daughter used to be able to count on you to get in her face, yell at her and throw your own tantrum. Your calm approach is perfect; let's just add to it your intense emotional involvement so she knows you aren't ignoring her or being detached. Remember those key phrases while you are sitting: "Elena, I would absolutely love to play a board game/ color / build with Legos / go for a walk with you right now rather than yelling. What do you think?" Then invite her into RELATIONSHIP with you. You are modeling calm and showing her that the way to have your complete attention and emotional relationship is through constructive activities and calm conversation. She will eat this up. And so will you. Keep up the good work! (2) FROM A PRINCIPAL: I MISS MY DEFIANT KIDS! Q: I am a high school Principal and bought the whole package for my own children (and husband), but I have shared the CDs with my teachers with success. A few of my "repeat offenders" who usually get sent to my office each week have not been to see me in two weeks. I miss them! I asked my teachers what they have been doing, and they shared with me some of the tools you recommend. There's one boy who continues to struggle in English class-I think it's partly that the teacher is very strict and the students enjoys getting a rise from her. He's very bright and witty.. Any ideas for the teacher? A: Most of our kids want to be successful-they just need tools and internal motivation. I would get him involved using his gifts and talents. Have him tutor freshmen, write witty captions for the school yearbook, help design or write for the school website. Ask him to create his own adaptations of classic stories-I had one student create murder mysteries using the characters from classic novels. Rather than always trying to squeeze every child into the same small box, give them opportunities to express their interests in creative ways in the classroom. It requires trust and letting go of our own need for control as adults, but in the end fosters kids who are engaged leaders.. (3) FROM A DAD: SHOULD I APOLOGIZE? Q: Kirk, I'm a skeptical Dad who told my wife not to buy your CD's because we've already spent a ton of money on tests and therapy and tutoring and everything else. After I came to your presentation, I was the first in line. The CD for Dads hit me square between my eyes and the part with Casey just about brought me to my knees. I wanted to be a better Dad, but as you said, I never had the tools. You've given me those tools now and I've seen my kids' attitudes change. Q: My question is this: do you believe I should apologize to my kids for the way I've been in the past? I've always been taught that I'm never to show weakness to my kids and I'm afraid it will undermine my authority. A: Great question and kudos to you for having the courage to change. Allow me to be blunt. Our actions undermine our authority. As Casey says so eloquently, your actions scream way louder than your words. It is no secret to your kids that you've screamed and been out of control as a father-this is self- evident. I am huge believer in apologizing to our kids (and to anyone) when we mess up. Being able to apologize is a sign of strength. It says you take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming it on your kids, circumstances or your upbringing; apologizing models a contrite an humble spirit; apologizing actually helps hold your kids responsible for their actions. When I say, "Casey, I apologize for snapping at you. I need to control my anxiety better," that opens up the door for us as a family to be transparent, to take responsibility for our actions and hold each other accountable. The authority I have in my home, the respect I have from my family, is earned through my actions and ability to control myself. So yes, apologize to your kids and ask them to help you learn to be calm. Tell me what happens after you do this-I guarantee it will soften your kids and create an amazing dynamic in your home. Way to go, Dad! Q&A: Homework, social skills and Dads Q: I sit with my daughter and constantly try to help her with homework. I show her faster ways to get the work done, but she doesn't want my help. What should I do? Your daughter DOES want your help. What she is rejecting is your anxiety. You want the best for your daughter--you know she is smart and you want her to succeed. You want her to get done so she has time to play. But all of your anxiety actually causes her to shut down. Why? Because she knows that when you are anxious, she can never do homework fast enough or well enough. And she's right, isn't she? Ever notice when you anxiously tell your child, "We gotta go, we're running late, come on" that your child NEVER pops up and says, "Oh, okay, let me get running along"? That's because they don't want anything to do with our anxiety. When I was being interviewed by a very nice reporter from Toronto (see article here; I did NOT come up with that title!), she asked me, "Are you advocating withdrawing from your kids to stay calm?" No, no, no. More than anything, our kids want our emotional involvement in their lives. What they want us to leave behind is our negativity and anxiety--it poisons every relationship. This insight is very powerful. Because it means that if we first control our own anxiety, we can fundamentally change the nature of our interactions with our kids. We can't always control our kids' behavior (nor should we want to--it's their behavior, not ours), but we can control our own. That gives us power. So relax during homework time. Use the dozens of strategies we provide on the CD's to help with school work and homework, and trust your kids to take responsibility for their own homework. Once we give them the right tools, it's their homework, not ours. Listen to what a great Mom in Texas did: "I have listened to all the CDs now and several I've listened to twice. Changes are coming slowly with Jacob, but life at home is already better. I've been a much calmer mom, and that's making a ton of difference. I also told Jacob he can study or do his homework anywhere that works for him, and that's been a big help. In fact, he got a 93 on his last science test! Woo-hoo!" Q: Kirk, I am a teacher and use the Brain Boosters strategies every day in class--the kids love them and it makes learning much more fun. I am stumped with this one boy, though, who will not play with the other kids. I always ask, "Taylor, do you want to play with the boys?" But he prefers to stay at his desk. Many of our kids have social anxiety-it's difficult, and scary, for them to connect with other kids. Think of all the unknowns that relationships present-are they going to like me, will I understand what they are saying (some kids have auditory processing difficulties that complicate conversation), what if I'm not good at the game we're playing, what if I get upset when things don't go well? For their own security and safety, they miss out on opportunities because that's safe for them. Order and security come before anything else. So here are three suggestions: Make it specific. When we say, "Taylor, do you want to play with the boys right now?" that is far too vague for him. There are too many unknowns so he will stay in his comfort zone. But if we (or better yet, the boys) say, "Taylor, Jacob and Billy could really use your help building a spaceship with five blocks," that makes it very specific, small and doable. Now he can focus on the blocks, not on his anxiety with relationships. Make it safe. In any area where we are looking for improvement, always begin from a place of strength. So start with his gifts, talents and passions. What is Taylor good at doing, what does he enjoy? Begin there. If he's good at math, have him help or tutor one of the other kids. If he's great at building things, give Taylor and another child a special project to do that involves building. Make it a success. Success breeds confidence and more success. Often times, we are guilty of wanting too much too soon. Don't ask your child/students to take six steps forward at once. Remember when your kids began walking? You celebrated each and every step, which gave them more confidence to keep moving those wobbling legs. Eventually, they could make it across the entire room all too quickly. Create a successful experience. Then another. And another. Q: Thank you for the advance copy of the Defiance & Dads CD's. I have to say you hit the nail on the head with me and so did your son- good stuff. How long does it take to get the respect back that I've lost through being just like my own Dad with the yelling and fear approach? I think that's the best investment I've ever made. You just saved me years of yelling at my kids. Please tell Casey thank you for putting himself out there like that. Dan G. I admire any guy who takes responsibility for his own actions so you are on the right track. When I began changing, I apologized to Casey for being a poor role model with my yelling, worry and tantrums. That really did something inside him. And as he saw me working on it, as I relaxed and built my relationship with him, the trust came more quickly than I thought. Here's the thing. Our kids are really smart and they have great B.S. meters. They can tell when it's genuine. And if you are trying, they'll cut you more slack than you know. As Casey says at the end of that special Dads CD, what you do screams louder than any lecture. Dan, I'm just excited for you because you are now going to see your kids change more than they have the previous ten years. And it's because you took the bold step to give them the greatest gift: the example of an adult who is in control of his emotions. They will respect you more than ever. Good work! What do you do when your child is on emotional fire? Think about this. If your child were literally on fire, running into the room screaming, would you: a) ask him how this happened b) lecture him on the dangers of playing with matches c) do everything you could to immediately put out the fire? Of course, you would put out the fire immediately. But when our kids come into the room, emotionally on fire, screaming and yelling, what do we usually do? We usually react out of our anxiety and add fuel to the fire. We scold, "I don't have time for this right now.." as if our kids are going to say, "Oh, can we reschedule my meltdown?" "What is it THIS time?!" we ask with derision. Or we slump our shoulders, shake our head or show our disappointment in another way. All of these things add fuel to the fire and make the fire burn hotter and longer. So next time your child comes into the room emotionally on fire, take two critical steps to put out the fire. (1) Control yourself. The first step in every interaction is to control yourself--because you are the only person you can control. Your kids will follow your lead. Here are just a few tips. Sit down. Relax your posture in a casual way. Assume a care-free, matter-of-fact tone in your voice and posture. Let your child know that his actions don't determine yours, that you are in control (of yourself, at least), that nothing he does can faze you. His world is out of control, but yours isn't. You've seen worse, you've done worse. This will pass. Speak softly. Put on music. Change the environment. Ask your child if he wants to have a snack with you, build with Legos, go for a walk, play catch, swing together. Your goal is to build your relationship and to get to a calm place. (2) Give your child tools. This is the power of our curriculum. Our goal is to go way beyond changing a child's behavior-we give kids tools to calm themselves, problem solve and develop new habits. I can't tell you how exciting it is to hear a child say, "I'm not giving my power to other people or situations anymore." Or when my son refuses to let disappointment or frustration rule his life. There is no greater gift to give your child than the ability to control his or her own emotions, to be the calm in the midst of life's storms. A Different Way to Look at Consequences One of the more common questions we get at workshops is how to handle consequences with kids. I am a firm believer in giving children choices in how to behave; in setting very clear and firm expectations and consequences; in following through on the "promises" you make to enforce those consequences. Consistency and a calm, matter-of- fact approach are critical. Huge caveat: there is a "higher way" than consequences that we can get to as parents. If you have helped build your child's vision and internal motivation and given them tools to succeed, you will find that consequences are not necessary-because your child is motivated and equipped to be successful. That said, here are three different scenarios and how I would handle them. These apply equally for parents and teachers. One of my goals is to go beyond telling you what to do, and instead teach principles that you can apply to different situations. Q1: What do I do when I have two kids in the backseat of the car screaming at each other? I can't always pull over and give them a consequence. A: Whenever possible, I like to teach larger life principles to kids because I don't want to just change immediate behavior--I want to teach kids how life works. So one of my favorite tools is teaching the natural law of sowing and reaping. This principle is built into nature and operates independently of us. As always, check your own anxiety and frustration first. If you REACT with anxiety and frustration, you will sabotage your efforts because your kids know they have power over you. So calmly and nonchalantly tell your kids: "You guys can choose to scream in the car if you want. I just want you to know that you reap what you sow. So if you choose to continue to scream, I promise you that the next five times your favorite TV show comes on, I am going to come into the living room and bang my pots and pans very loudly so that you can't hear your show. So it's up to you, your choice. If you'd rather play a game in the car, tell me what you guys would like to do together with Mom and Dad this coming weekend or listen to your favorite CD, that may be more enjoyable. But it's your choice." Here's why I like this approach. You stay calm and in control of yourself. You let your kids know that THEIR choices determine THEIR consequences-you set the boundaries and they own their behavior. You make consequences count. So if they scream on one trip in the car, you are going to make noise the next FIVE times they watch their show. I am extremely patient and forgiving of quirks, but when I go the consequences route, I make them count and get kids' attention. And I make sure I "keep my promises" so they know they can count on me. You have also given them a positive alternative and invited them into relationship with you. I have used this approach with Casey when he has been late getting ready for one of our workshops. When he is clearly putting himself ahead of the larger goal, I quietly remind him, "You reap what you sow." He knows that means the next time he's in a hurry to get some place that he desperately wants to go to, he can count on me to stay on my computer longer. It's a great principle. Q2: My son is allergic to chores, it seems. I can take away everything and he doesn't care; he just won't do his chores. A: I love it when our kids draw parents into power struggles-it's so brilliant on their part! You say, "I'm taking away your video games" and they casually reply, "I don't care, I didn't want to play anyway." Does that make us furious or what? That's why I think it's brilliant. I'm just playing a hunch with this one, but I want to get away from the power struggle and try a couple different things. First, the thing our kids want more than anything else is our emotional involvement in their lives-when they resist and we react emotionally with threats, they get our intense, emotional involvement, but in a negative way. So let's flip this around and give them relationship during chores. Sometimes our kids resist doing activities because they want us to be involved. So do the dishes together as a family. Sing songs together, talk about your plans for the weekend, get involved together. Make the reward be a family activity. "If we get everything cleaned up in the next twelve minutes (always give a specific challenge), we can pop some popcorn and watch our favorite show together." Praise when they do their chores instead of picking out every little fault. Sometimes our kids shut down because we're just so darn negative. "Why should I do it? It's never good enough anyway." So let them know you appreciate your help. Thought-provoker for you: why do you think our kids often like to help other adults with projects or chores, but not us? Finally, make chores a challenge. Sometimes it's just too boring to do things the way everyone else does. So blindfold your child, give them a challenge, make it a contest, see if they can beat their world-record time. Q3: My child consistently misbehaves at school and I have taken away everything he enjoys, but nothing changes his behavior. What consequences will work? The short answer is NONE. The issue in this case is not finding an effective consequence. Do not give consequences or punishment out of your own frustration, embarrassment or exasperation. "I don't know what else to do with you, so I'm just going to ratchet up the consequences." IF you have found yourself ratcheting up the consequences for certain behaviors, until your child or student has lost all privileges until they are 38-years-old, and it is not working, that's a subtle clue that consequences are not the issue :) Please understand this. No child wants to be a failure and be unsuccessful. If your child or student is repeatedly struggling with anything--behavior, completing homework or trying new activities--and consequences aren't working, your child needs TOOLS in order to be successful. So move away from the idea of punishing your child in order to motivate him. It won't work in this case because he simply does not have the tools to be successful. Does this sound like your circumstance? "Kirk, I'm not being dramatic when I tell you that you have literally saved my relationship with my son, not to mention thousands of dollars in therapy. I was on this warpath to fix my son--no matter what he did, I would give a consequence. We got into endless battles every day over everything and I thought either I had a child of the devil or I was just a terrible parent. I finally relented and bought your CD's and listened to them with my son in the car. What you gave us both were tools--to understand how his brain works, to complete homework more quickly and with no stress, to concentrate better in school. . .he can even participate in extracurricular activities now successfully. I wish I had these tools sooner. Please keep up your mission-you have saved my relationship. "And on a funny note, my son sometimes will come to me and say, 'Mom, I'm struggling with this. Can we listen and see if Kirk has any ideas for me?' He really wants to meet you in person one day." So step back and think: if my child is struggling with X, what tools can I give him to be successful? Teachers, listen to the Brain Boosters CD's because they are filled with tools for helping your students be successful in school. Kids Hitting, Homework Tips & Relieving Anxiety Here's how other parents are applying the principles to change their families: A Different Way to Do Homework We did have something interesting happen in the past week, and it happened quite by accident. I remembered you talking about adding stimulation and movement to homework. My son needed to read a book sent home from school. I had cleaning up to do. I gave him the book and told him I would be listening, but had a few things to put away. He opened the book AND started following me around the house. He walked the entire time he read the book. I stopped in the kitchen and he did laps around the island counter, at a quick pace. His fluency was the best I had hear from him and he only struggled with one word. Even that, without missing a beat, spelled it out loud, I told him what it was, and he kept right on going. I was AMAZED! How Calm Affects Marriages and Kids I was fortunate to attend your Straight Talk for Dads Workshop in March. More importantly, I bought your CD series and have listened to them frequently while driving back and forth to work. Although I'm still rough at times with the delivery, your recommendations have had a profound impact on our household. My stress level has dropped dramatically. When our teen goes off, I do not get spun up in her drama & issues. She has made improvement on controlling her emotions. The drive-by praise technique has worked wonders on our 12-yr-old son's confidence & self-esteem. Last week, he made a comment to my wife about how fun Dad is to be with. And the relationship with my wife hasn't been this good in the past 10-15 years. Thank you. Changing Our Attitudes Changes Our Kids First, I LOVE the CDs. I'm not quite done with all of them, but they are FANTASTIC. I realized that my attitude really "stunk." My children have many talents and are not "defined" by how they do in school. They really offered HOPE! The following is a question we recently addressed for a Calm Club member and that we are able to address in detail at our Calm University training sessions (more sessions coming throughout the summer). Feel free to change the age, circumstance and gender: the principles apply to all situations. Question: When my 9 year old got off the bus yesterday, she started to cry because she thought she was supposed to be a walker, got scared, and then took the bus. I comforted her, told her that I was sorry she was sad, and explained to her that I did tell her two times that she was taking the bus. Instead of calming down, she became very angry and started picking a fight with my son. As I walked by them to go up to my room (and try to calm down) she followed me and started hitting me with her coat. I'm afraid that I didn't handle things too calmly after that. My daughter and I are in such a bad cycle with one another, and I need to find a way to stay calm (walking away really works for me, but she gets desperate when I do this), and help her get calm. It was a heated moment and it all went so fast, I didn't even have a chance to suggest sitting down with some crayons. I'm embarrassed to be writing this, and really stumped. Answer: First of all, there is no need to be embarrassed by this. We ALL have gone through these situations on countless occasions so relax. It's very difficult when you have kids who just don't react in predictable ways. So take these 5 steps. (1) Address the root of the issue. So let's back up to the bus stop and get to the root. Realize her being so upset is all about anxiety and fear. Even though you told her a couple times and she should have known, sometimes people like us panic in the moment. The reason she was mean to her brother and you was because of all that anxiety. She had been running through all kinds of different scenarios in her mind for that 40-minute ride home-what if I was supposed to walk, what if I get in trouble again for this, why do I always mess up? So by the time she got home, she was just a bundle of nerves. Remember, don't let the OUTWARD behavior (being mean, kicking) throw you off. The real root of the issue is anxiety. (2) Provide a proactive tool. Let's be proactive and see if we can develop a way for her to remember when she's riding the bus. Maybe she wears a certain color bracelet (or even those Lance Armstrong type bracelets) or clothing accessory on those days--that way, she has a visual reminder so in the moment, she can say, "It's a bus day." That's a proactive step. Ask her what she wants to wear to remember. It's a good strategy for her all throughout life, actually. Many kids use this strategy to remember to turn in assignments or bring certain textbooks home. (3) Role play or practice stressful situations. People like us, including me at age 43, struggle when facing new situations or when circumstances change. So talk about this during a calm time. "If you don't know what to do some time, what three steps do you want to take? First, take a deep breath and wait 30 seconds. Then find an adult who can help you, etc." Give her a plan or tools for handling stressful situations. (4) Build confidence and refocus energy on positives. The next time she is filled with anxiety (whether at the bus stop, grocery store, Brownies meeting), first address the anxiety because that's what is causing the negative reaction. Use a calm, matter-of-fact voice: "Hey, I know you must have been really scared, but you did the right thing and ended up making it home. Aren't you brave?!" Then transition her to something specific to focus on, to get her mind off the anxiety. "Okay, brave girl, why don't we go in the house and do x, y or z?" Get the focus on something she enjoys, on something she's good at doing. That will build confidence, which always overcomes anxiety. (5) Give calm, but intense interaction to build relationship. When we combine the above, the anger and hitting will go away. But let's address that. The reason your daughter is getting more upset when you walk away is because she wants your intense involvement then- she just needs it to be calm. There are many ways to do this. With your daughter, I'd try using humor or doing something silly just to break the tension. Completely break the cycle and do something fun and off-the- wall. When you're going up the steps, gather yourself, then turn around and say, "I'll race you to the refrigerator and see who can get the ice cream first." We're not going to do that every time, but it sounds like you two could use a good laugh and just some down time together doing something fun. You may turn around and say, "You know what? I've been meaning to paint my nails and yours. Will you come help me with that?" You want to do an activity with her where you can be calm and where you can be building relationship with her, and engaged with her, which provides the foundation for good talks. You're a great Mom, you are. Otherwise, you wouldn't be writing and working so hard at this. So take a deep breath and think of something fun you can do with your daughter to break this negative cycle. Let me know how it goes! Anxiety, Sensory Needs, Writing Tips & More Today, we're going to address five questions asked during recent Q&A Sessions at Workshops. I also wanted to pass along some encouragement from a couple parents who attended the events. Encouragement from Other Parents Last week you visited our school in Long Island, NY. Thank you for what you do. I'm so glad I "broke the budget" and purchased the CDs. Things have changed so much in just this short week and while there have been ups and downs - what an improvement - calm all around. I feel so much more prepared to handle things and even got my husband on board! Thanks to you and your crew for making these CDs - oh and your son too. Long Island parent I enjoyed listening to you in person on Sunday. I really felt like the folks who had not heard your CDs were only getting half the story - because the CDs absolutely convince a parent that they can become the parent they should be. C.B, Parent in Arlington, VA Q: Why does my son make things so difficult? A: It's always funny at Workshops when I ask parents if their children complete tasks the difficult way on purpose--the groans are audible. You ask your daughter to simply sweep the floor, and she has to stick the broom behind her back and through her legs and walk backwards. Any child can sit on the chair with all four legs on the floor--our kids prefer to sit leaning back on two legs, or suspended on one for the more adventurous. I show parents and teachers how students often prefer to complete schoolwork while balancing on an exercise ball or swinging. The question is always the same: "Isn't that really difficult?" That's the point. Remember, the traffic cop in their brain is asleep and needs to be woken up (i.e. stimulated). That's why our kids--and many of us as adults--make things more challenging or difficult. It's more engaging that way. If it's too easy, we'll just ignore it. So make chores a challenge, think of ways to make more mundane homework and classwork more difficult. Make it a game, don't be afraid to try strange things--I bet your kids will come up with some fun challenges. No, I mean it. Try it sometime! Q: My son lies inverted with his head hanging off the sofa watching TV. It drives me up the wall. What can I do about this? A: Don't watch him. Seriously. Why does it matter that he watches television that way? We've had over 1,200 kids come through our home over the years, and I can name at least a couple hundred who reclined in funny positions while doing homework, drawing or talking. They are just meeting their sensory needs (vestibular need) and it gives them order in their bodies--it feels good and doesn't bother anyone. Except us :0 Relax, I am sure there are bigger issues to think about! Besides, I bet if you ask him to read or do math problems upside down while hanging off the sofa or his bed, he'll get his homework done quicker. Q: My daughter will wrestle with anyone she can find. Should I try to have her do more lady-like activities? A: I have a few questions for you. Does your daughter like climbing trees? Jumping on the trampoline? Doing gymnastics? Riding horses? Does she tend to cuddle up next to you or prefer lots of blankets at night? Q: Yes on the trees, trampoline, horses and blankets. She has said before she wanted to do gymnastics, but we haven't been able to fit the classes in. How do you know all this about her, this is weird? A: I assure you it isn't weird. In fact, it should be comforting. It means we've worked with a few hundred kids who share many of the same traits. This means your daughter isn't strange or different. Think about all these activities--what need is she meeting? Q: Is it pressure or stimulation? A: Bonus points for you! Yes, all of these activities provide pressure on your daughter's joints and muscles--and it feels really good! Kids who have sensory needs tend to feel a lack of order in the bodies, so this pressure and stimulation helps them feel settled (think how much sensory input your body gets from scratching and clawing, clutching and grabbing tree bark). We cover sensory needs as the third step in the Brain Boosters curriculum because it's critical to meet these sensory needs to improve learning. You may want to consult an Occupational Therapist (O.T.), my favorite people in the entire world. They are great with kids, extremely positive and very practical. Meeting sensory needs before school, before homework time and in the evening (no wrestling right before bed, Dads!) will help with attention, focus, behavior, homework and sleep. We play the steamroller game with kids and they love it. Come to a workshop and I'll show you what I mean. Q: My daughter seems to have more anxiety since I've been pregnant. She's acting up and I don't know what to do. A. Anytime a child feels anxious, we like to apply the same principles. Whether you are moving, having a new baby or trying a new class, the root need for the child is order--it gives them security. 1. Always use their natural gifts, talents and passions. This builds confidence and a sense of purpose. 2. Focus her energy on purposeful missions--projects that she can throw her energy into. 3. Give her ownership. Everything else is out of her control now, so help her feel like she owns something. 4. Focus on helping others. It is difficult to be unhappy or anxious when you are focused on helping those who are less fortunate than you. 5. Develop some traditions that she can count on each week--time that is devoted just to you. You and your husband are naturally spending a lot of time discussing the new baby, plans for the baby's room, etc. So remember to spend special time with your daughter. She needs traditions in the home she can count on each week, no matter what happens. Could she volunteer for a charity, raise money or use her gifts and talents at school or church somehow? She needs to have a focus that is hers. I'd also ask her to help plan for the new baby. Can she help pick out the colors of the baby's room or help decorate? Choose a list of baby names? Can she help take care of the younger sibling and earn a little money? So rather than competition, she has some responsibility instead. Q: My son is afraid of storms. What can we do? This is VERY common. Many of our kids have irrational fears that interrupt sleep, prevent them from trying new activities, etc. So let's think this through because you know the answer. What causes us the most anxiety in life? When we feel powerless, when we can't do anything, when things are out of our control. Just talking through the fear rationally will not help. So let's attack the issue head on. This idea is a terrific one and it comes to you from a ten-year-old boy in Wisconsin who listened to the CDs with his Mom. His Mom challenged him to come up with a plan to overcome his anxiety. He came up with a brilliant idea we've used with many kids. Have your son take pictures of approaching storms. Encourage him to use his creativity--lying on the ground looking up, taking pictures from different angles. Create a scrapbook with details about the storms. Besides potentially developing a latent talent, you will be building a history. By actively tracking storms, your son will see over time that none of the storms have hurt him or your family. Have him share his pictures--and even write short captions or stories about them--in school. He can become the Severe Weather Expert in his class. Familiarity and specific, purposeful missions always counter anxiety. So give this a try. And if your child has other fears, apply the principles to your situation. Q: My students get frustrated when I ask them to write, even though they can verbally express their points of view extremely well. Help? Again, this is very common. I struggle with the same process every time I write a newsletter :) I'll show you the system I teach kids in a special report we're offering in the E-Courses. Want tips to help your child get their thoughts from head to paper? How about some practical steps to improve your child' social skills? We have put together a special group of written E-Courses and Bonus Reports that contain information above and beyond what we've ever offered before. The cost is usually $200, but we're giving away the 10 E-Courses with the purchase of our CDs. Do You Want Systemic, Long-Lasting Transformation? I can say this unequivocally: once you begin to change your own behavior, control your anxiety and become the calm rock in your home that your kids can count on, you will see this change sweep through your home. My wife has said numerous times that she can track to the month changes in my son's attitude and outlook, and it just so happens to coincide with the time when I finally decided to stop focusing on Casey's behavior and just control myself. Here's some hope for frazzles parents. I am an intense, driven person with a fair amount of anxiety and need for order. I learned from my Dad to yell, intimidate and throw tantrums to get what I wanted. But I can tell you that once I made controlling my own behavior and being calm the focus of my life, the change was quite rapid. We have a teenage son who at one time was diagnosed with the alphabet soup of labels-ADHD, ODD (Opposition Defiance), CD (Conduct Disorder), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). He was a "behavior problem" in school and we shared the fear you have that your child is going to be living at home until he's 26 playing video games in the basement! Casey has been completely transformed. No, he is not perfect and I don't want him to be. But in an upcoming newsletter, he is going to share how and why he now has power over his own emotions and behavior. It's really, really cool. And I know hundreds of other kids who have taken hold of this as well. 6 Benefits of Controlling Myself Here are six things that changed in our home: (1) I began modeling for my son how to handle my own disappointment, anger and frustration. I have heard Casey ask himself multiple times, "What would the Calm Coach do?" after his guitar string breaks, he loses his iPod earbuds, etc. Know how cool it is to see a teenager control himself? (2) Because I wasn't focused on changing Casey's behavior, I stopped sending those signals of disapproval-shaking my head, dismissive comments, etc.-that pushed Casey away from me. I stopped standing over him and getting in his face, which only precipitated a defensive posture. I invited him into my world. (3) I stopped lecturing Casey. I began to show that I trusted him. And just as important, I demonstrated that he could trust me to control myself when he told me something disappointing. I often tell Casey now, "Thanks for sharing that with me. I may have some ideas on that, if you want to come and ask me about it later." Then I walk away. You want your child coming to you. (4) I began to focus on solving problems rather than looking for a quick fix and causing even more problems. I began looking to have conversations instead of confrontations. (Watch your posture here- sitting down with your feet up is helpful). (5) I began giving control of Casey's choices and life to him. And he has proven to be very responsible-not perfect-with those choices. It is his life, not mine. (6) My wife stopped having to "manage me" and our home every night- many spouses have to "manage" the interactions between parent and child to prevent WWIII. It is exhausting and will crush your marriage. The greatest gift I have ever given my wife is the peace of mind knowing that I can control myself and that she can leave my won and I alone without worrying about cleaning up a mess when she gets home. I GOT MY POWER BACK: HOW A KID USES CALM Mr. Kirk, thanks for letting me help out at the seminar. My Mom made me listen to your CDs even though I reminded her that you said parents should control themselves, not their kids. She asked why I don't listen to her that closely but that's another story. I tried the power thing with my little brother. He knows I get annoyed pretty easily and little things set me off. But when you told me that I was his puppet and he was controlling me, that made me mad and I decided I wasn't giving him my power anymore. So for the last two weeks, every time he tries to annoy me or get me in trouble, I share one of my toys or my food with him. Last night, I told him he was very gifted at being annoying, but it wasn't going to work on me because I got my power back. Well, that's it. See you around. Daniel B., age 9 Teaching Kids Responsibility Want Real Change? We can address the positives and negatives of video games another time, but let's start with the premise that most parents experience anxiety trying to get their kids to turn their video games off. And both teachers and parents want kids to learn to be responsible for their own actions. My goal is this: to take the burden off the parent and place responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the child. Work on this over the summer because this can translate into responsibility for school work and chores-your teacher will love you for this! I like to teach new skills from a position of strength and interest. Your kids love video games so they have a vested interest in learning this. Be patient, be firm, be consistent and this will work. When you ask (i.e. beg, plead, yell, whine) your child to turn off his video games, I bet you are met with either disregard or a desperate plea for a few more minutes: "No, no, no, Mom, I'm almost to the next level" or "Hold on, just a couple more minutes, I need to save it." I have a zero tolerance policy with regard to "time" and negotiating. Our kids must learn how to respect time, including yours and their own. Those of you who have taken advantage of our workshops or CDs know that we "trade time for time" and use visual prompts (no talking required) to transition kids off video games. Let's take this to the next level so that your kids become responsible for their own actions, without you having to remind, beg or negotiate. We began this approach with my guinea pig (Casey) and have used this every summer with Camp kids with great success. You'll love this. No More Nagging About Video Games Here's how it works. When kids come to Camp, they are immediately given a special interactive mission to work on with their peers. It gives them an immediate challenge that involves healthy conversations and problem solving. Upon completion of the mission, the kids are given a set amount of time to play their PSP's or Gameboys. This is not a Constitutional right-playing video games is a privilege that is earned. The instructions are as follows. "You may turn your video games on at 11:14 and play for exactly 18 minutes. Each of you has a choice to make. If the video games are turned off AND put away before 11:32, you have respected your time and my time, and I promise that you will earn the privilege of playing for a longer period of time tomorrow. If your game is still on at 11:32, I promise that you will under no circumstances play tomorrow. If you even say one word trying to negotiate extra time with me, I promise you will not play your video game for two full days. No excuses. I WILL NOT remind you what time it is-that is your responsibility. And remember, I keep my promises." The kids keep track of time themselves and tell ME when time is up. All of the kids except one learned to manage their own time. It took the one unhappy boy just one time of sitting without his game to learn to be responsible for himself. Some kids, even impulsive ones, actually play it safe and turn off the games early. They like the order and peace. Others find ways to get every last second of playing-I applaud their ingenuity. For younger children, you may help them set a timer that goes off two minutes before their time is up, which is a cue to save and close it down. Use a specific, interesting time limit-37 minutes is much more meaningful and memorable than half an hour. Another option for consequences-for every extra minute that your child stays on his video game past the deadline, you will take ten minutes of screen time from him. So if he stays on for an extra four minutes, he has forfeited 40 minutes of his time later. Meaningful consequences work. If you have to "keep your promise" (i.e. enforce consequences), do so in a calm, matter-of-fact way. No need to lecture, no need to feel bad. "Hey, it was your choice. I'm just keeping the promise I made to you." Your child may throw a tantrum, call you mean, claim you "made them lose it" or say, "it's not fair." Too bad. It usually only takes one time for them to learn that they can count on you to keep your promises and that it is entirely up to them. Once we establish a success in this area, then we can move to another area! Keep up the great work. 5 Summer Traps There are several common traps we fall into over the summer. Here's a quick guide to keep you out of quick sand, so you don't end up over your head. Trap 1: Comparing your kids. Comparing your child to siblings, peers or even yourself is a dead end. Each child is unique and comparing to artificial standards and expectations leads only to frustration, demeaning comments and a child who shuts down under too much pressure. Measure and celebrate progress, not perfection. If you want to get to point Z with behavior or skills, you have to go from point A to B to C. Praise along the way. Celebrate each small steps so you don't go backwards. By the way, if all your friends have perfect little angels who make the honor roll every semester, get new friends : ) Just kidding, but don't let societal pressure and anxiety cause you to press your child. Trap 2: Being responsible for your kids' or spouse's happiness. Did you know that you are not responsible for your child's happiness? Even all summer long when they keep saying, "I'm bored!" The truth is that I am not responsible for my son's happiness, attitudes and choices--he is. Knowing that liberates me from trying to control him and from the burden of making him happy. Likewise, I cannot allow my child's mood to determine mine. If so, my child has complete control over me. We don't have time to cover that here, but we deal with this in detail on our Parenting CD #4: Getting Your Kids to be Responsible for themselves. We also explain why you should disappoint your child, on purpose. It's good for you and your child! Likewise, relying on our spouse for our own happiness only leads to resentment. This is one of the things that people comment on most after listening to the Calm Couples curriculum--"Oh, I didn't realize that!" We give out of wholeness and sacrifice for others, but we cannot take on the burden of making our spouse happy. It isn't fair to them for us. "Kirk, I have four kids and we've been out of school for two weeks now. I repeated that line you used on your CDs this morning: boredom is your choice. As expected, the kids didn't like when I said it, BUT they did go and work on a Lego project by themselves. It works and it has lifted this burden off of me of being responsible to make everyone happy." Trap 3: Focusing on changing outward behavior. This is the biggest trap of traditional behavior management, and why parents are continually frustrated that therapy doesn't work for their kids. The trap is that outward behavior is merely a smokescreen hiding the underlying issue. So trying to "fix" outward behavior sends us down a destructive path while never dealing with the root issue. "Kirk, I decided to torture my kids and hope you don't mind my method. I used to just scream at them all summer to stop fighting and it never worked. But now I know they have a need for stimulation. So when they are fighting, I have them sit, build with Play-Doh and listen to your CDs on stimulation. I call it torture, but it really isn't because you are giving my kids tools they need in life to be successful. It's funny how it works. They'll listen while they play and then get up and go work on a project together. THEY know they need the stimulation and they figure it out for themselves. Thank you!" Trap 4: Being inconsistent. "How do I STAY calm?" As you know, nothing is more important for our kids than consistency. But it's tough when the stresses of daily life cause us to revert to old habits. I'll leave it to a compassionate Mom who echoes the thoughts of many others. "Kirk, your principles and strategies work. Every time I use them, they work like a charm. My problem was that I would do okay for a day or a week, but then I'd fall back into old habits, feel guilty and go through this horrible cycle. That's when I decided I needed a Daily Coach and that's what I call you! I got your CD's and I just keep them in my iPod, my car, at home, scattered around. I listen first thing in the morning, when I work out, but most importantly right before I pick my kids up or when I'm pulling taxi duty for the four boys. Your voice is calming and it's just a great reminder that CALM is my goal and calm works. I have to say, I've been doing this for two months now...and EVERYONE notices the difference. My kids, my own parents, my friends, even my kids' teachers and my husband." I personally "reset" myself a dozen times throughout the day. When I do, the day and all my interactions go much, much better. Find what is calming to you and do it! And remember to sit down when you talk to your kids. Trap 5: Misunderstanding and labeling your kids. Unless we understand the way our kids' brains are wired, we will continually misunderstand and label our children. Over time, this can have devastating consequences if we destroy confidence and create self- fulfilling prophecies ("I'm just stupid."). Sometimes a child will be called aggressive and labeled as a bad kid, when in reality his physical behavior is a manifestation of trying to meet sensory needs. Giving him exercise and sensory experiences in the morning can alleviate the issue quickly. Sometimes we ostracize a child for being "lazy," especially when he is bright like our kids, because he has difficulty getting thoughts from head to paper. If we give him tools to make writing easier, the laziness magically disappears! Sometimes the child who is a slow processor rushes to get his work done so he doesn't feel stupid, feel like the last one done and miss recess. He will be labeled as careless and sloppy. He just needs different tools because his processing style is different. You and your kids must understand exactly how their brains work. This is liberating and empowering. The most gratifying part of our work is hearing from kids who are listening to our curriculum on their iPods and discovering that they aren't bad kids or weird, that there isn't something wrong with them, that they just need to learn how to overcome weaknesses while they use their creativity and energy to their advantage. That's powerful. Why Your Child is Bossy, Has Difficulty Writing & May Struggle Socially It's back-to-school time so let's review why your kids exhibit certain behaviors. Think of your child's brain as a city with streets and avenues (neuropathways) that carry traffic (information, sensory input, feelings, impulses, lectures). Two interesting dynamics occur in the brains of more challenging, creative children. Today, we'll examine the first. # 1 Traffic Lights Are Not In Synch First, chemicals in the brain called neurotransmitters (especially dopamine) that help brain cells communicate with each other don't always synch up in our kids. It's like the traffic signals that regulate traffic in their brains are not working. Just as blinking traffic lights in a busy city cause gridlock, frustration and chaos, people who are wired like us tend not to have as much internal order and structure as others. That's why our kids need so much order, consistency and structure. This isn't an excuse, but it helps us understand WHY our kids struggle. So how do we see this chaos manifested in our children? 1. Disorganization and forgetfulness. 2. Executive function is inhibited. This is the meeting planner in the brain responsible for planning, organizing, following details. 3. Difficulty with short-term memory. 4. Impulse control. When the red light or stop sign isn't working, it's difficult to say no to those impulses in time. 5. Slow processing. With a brain that is disorganized and moving quickly, it's no wonder that our kids often process information slowly. This also leads them to rush through work so they are not seen as being stupid or the last one in class done. 6. Now you can understand why organizing thoughts and the process of writing, getting thoughts from head to paper, can be so challenging. That's also why our kids come home from school mentally taxed and just plain tired. 7. Some parents see OCD (obsessive compulsive) attributes, a need to always know "what's the plan, what's the plan." Because kids don't have order inside, they want to know what to expect. 8. Are your kids bossy and do they like to control others? That's one of their most endearing qualities! I have to admit, this one stumped me for a long time. When we first began our Camps, we'd put Monopoly out on the table and have the kids play. You know what resulted? Bloodshed! Not really, but close. We couldn't even get the game started. They had to argue over who was what piece, who went first, how much money you got, who was the banker, the rules of the game. Ahhhhh. 9. Does your child talk about "fairness" a lot? They usually like to point out when others (never themselves) break the rules or when you aren't "fair" with treatment among siblings. That's why we say they often make the perfect policeman, judge and attorney all wrapped into one. Guess why? Fairness is all about making order of the universe. Did you know Einstein's entire life's work was dominated by one overriding objective-to explain how the universe was held together by order and a master plan. 10. Finally, anxiety is a huge aggravator for our kids. When your world is spinning inside and the outside world is just as chaotic, that creates an enormous amount of anxiety. Hence the difficulty with transitions, new situations, social skills and meltdowns over little things gone awry. Let's focus on your child's bossy behavior. First, meet the internal need for order and control rather than focusing on changing the outward behavior. Once we meet this primary need, the negative manifestations go away. Second, give your child/student more OWNERSHIP of their lives--we do not give them control, but we do give them ownership. Here are five ways to do this: (1) Help your children exercise power over their emotions. If I don't feel in control of my emotions and impulses, if I don't feel good about myself, I am going to try to control everything on the outside that I can. That includes people and situations. That's why it is critical to teach your children how to be in control of their own emotions and choices. Once your kids understand the power principle and have control over themselves, they no longer need to boss others. (2) Provide tools to overcome frustration over schoolwork. I have observed this countless times in classrooms--a child struggling with a writing assignment will take his frustration out on a classmate. But as soon as we give that child tools to focus or learn more effectively, he feels confident. "Kirk, my son keeps walking around saying, 'I have a really cool brain, Mom.' This from a kid who used to beat himself up all the time and call himself 'stupid.' When he heard you say that people with brains like his came up with the iPod and Star Wars, you had him hooked! Yesterday he came in, grabbed a book and took it out on the swing. An hour later he came in, said, 'Done' and walked away. I asked him how he had finished the book so quickly (doing summer reading is like pulling teeth for this kid) and he said, 'It's what that guy said on the CDs about rhythm and stuff. I read better when I'm swinging.' That tip alone was worth more than you can ever know. Thank you!" We can give you dozens and dozens of tools to improve focus, attention and behavior, both in school and at home. (3) Give your child tools to help build friendships and social skills. Many of our kids struggle with social anxiety--they get nervous because it's difficult to connect with peers. This anxiety then causes them to become bossy and controlling--you've cringed when you've heard it. We'll try to address this in a future newsletter, but it's important to teach your children the three practical tools that always help with social skills. (4) Use gifts and talents to build confidence. When kids don't feel confident, they boss and put down others. Ever notice how kids try to "one-up" their peers? "Oh yeah, I have more than you. I can run faster than you." And this sabotages friendships. We need to continually help our kids use their gifts and talents. "Kirk, I think you've turned my daughter (11) into a teacher. I noticed it was unusually quiet in the house this morning so I walked downstairs to the basement to see what the kids were up to. I heard an adult's voice and it jolted me for a second, until I realized my daughter had your CD playing. I peeked around the corner. There's my dear daughter standing like a teacher trying to show my 8 and 6 year olds how to learn better. She had the little one coloring while eating Cheerios in a beanbag chair and the other doing math problems while balancing on an exercise ball. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. I sat on the steps for a second and heard her say, 'You have to wake up that traffic cop in your brain because he helps you think better.'" This little girl was definitely applying ownership and using her gifts. We always teach kids that leaders lead and teachers teach; they don't boss. (5) Give your child ownership, not control. Did you know much of the defiance we see is caused by a desire for control and order? We are dealing with very independent, strong-willed children. When given ownership and choices, they can be extremely responsible. I set parameters for chores, but give kids choices for how to accomplish the tasks. Instead of making every decision, I give kids power to make decisions within my parameters. Give ownership by getting kids involved in activities. Rather than arguing over what's for dinner, ask them to help you cook. Learn to ask students how they want to do things--give them a couple choices so they have ownership. You're not debating/arguing over whether schoolwork, chores, etc. get done, but you are giving them ownership over HOW they accomplish their tasks. How did these parents get their children to stop being defiant?! Kirk, on the way home from vacation, I plugged in your Defiance CDs. About half way through the first CD, Jacob said, "Hey guys, can you pause that please? I want to tell you something." So we paused it, and he went on to say, "I think every parent should own these CDs. And if they follow that guy's instructions, then their kids will learn it and do the same with their kids and so on, and the world will be a happier place." When we went to switch to the second CD, Jacob said, "Just to let you know, I'm gonna listen to this and make sure everything this guy says is correct. If he's wrong, I'll tell you to pause it and I'll tell you why he's wrong." After that CD, I asked him if you had said anything wrong. He said, "Nope, he's right on." Then Evan piped up saying, "He did get one thing wrong. Sometimes you don't want chips and salsa, sometimes you want something healthy." That was so cute! In your CD you had said a few times to bring chips and a drink out on the patio/deck to talk with your child, but he thought it should be something healthier. Thank you! These parents got their kids involved, used the strategies as a conversation starter and now their kids OWN these principles and strategies. All of this underscores why we must become the calm, consistent parents our kids can count on. Once parents and children have the tools to control their own emotions, you will enjoy a stress-free home (without bossy children!). Car rides, loud noises, discipline and focus Q: What do we do when we're in the car, the kids are getting loud and we can't turn the car around? My wife gets anxious about loud noises. We always begin by controlling ourselves first because that's the foundation for a positive, effective interaction. When our kids argue, it ignites our anxiety. We feel like bad parents, afraid someone is going to get their feelings hurt. And it's annoying! (1) First, realize that since the time of the Flintstones, kids have argued and misbehaved in cars. It's a given. Second, realize you are not responsible for your kids' behavior-they are! We have to let our kids own their behavior and be responsible for it. It is critical that you stop allowing your own anxiety to cause you to try to control your kids' behavior-they must learn to control it. I'll show you how in a moment. Third, we have to learn how to deal with annoying noises. I am very sensitive to noise. The worst thing I could have ever done was open up my home to a bunch of loud kids, but spending day after day with 10 noisy kids taught me an important principle. If I allow my focus to be on the noise, ALL I am going to think about is stopping the noise. I'll do ANYTHING to stop the noise. But this leads to expedient choices-we beg, bribe, coerce, intimidate or scream ourselves (how's that for irony?). Instead, I have learned to "go inward" and create a rhythm in my head by humming silently, giving thanks or tapping my leg. This rhythm drowns out the discordant noise. I have taught students how to do this in class by tapping their feet, bouncing their legs or humming silently. It takes practice, but it's worth it-the other alternative is just to keep screaming at your kids (which creates discordant noise for everyone else!). (2) We have smart kids. They know that your hands are literally tied while you are driving. But don't let them get away with it! While I prefer immediate consequences, I have no problem at all following through on my promises of a negative consequence later. Sometimes it's even more effective. Here are two of my favorite strategies. Your kids must understand the law of sowing and reaping-THEIR choices determine THEIR consequences. Just say this very calmly and quietly in the car: "You may continue to argue and yell in the car-that's your choice. But if you do, I promise that the next time you are [watching TV] [playing video games] [sleeping in], I am going to bang my pots and pans loudly in your room for 15 minutes. So the choice is up to you." The key is that you MUST "keep your promise" by following through. You don't need to lecture, sneer, rationalize or defend yourself when they go ballistic at you being "mean" and "unfair." Smile while you bang those pots and pans, and just say softly, "This was YOUR choice, not mine." Next time you are in the car, just remind them of the pots and pans. They want to make noise? You can do it louder. Another good and related consequence is time. If you are driving them somewhere they want to go, just pull the car over, pick up a book and start reading until they are quiet. I know an incredible teacher who does this in her class when her students make too much noise while waiting to go out for recess. Brilliant. If they miss their party, fine. Natural consequence. If you decide to pull over and it costs you time, keep track and make sure they know that since you lost 18 minutes to their arguing, they will be losing that much (or more) screen time. You never have to raise your voice, get angry, lecture or berate your kids over this. You just let them own their choices and consequences. Consequences are NOT my favorite tool, though they send a strong message. If you are in a never-ending cycle of consequences, something is wrong. It means your child is failing constantly. Your kids need more positive tools because after awhile, they will say, "I'm always in trouble anyway, so why try?" So let's look at several positive tools. (3) The root of most arguing is the need for stimulation. When I drive a car full of kids around, I give them each jobs or something specific to focus on, so that they don't focus on annoying each other. I tell them I need their help, I challenge them, I ask them questions about their interests. (4) Non-verbal signals can be very effective. I recommend having your kids create red, yellow and green cards out of cardboard. While driving, eating or doing anything, you can hold the cards up-green means good job and positive consequence ahead, yellow means slow down/quiet down and red means you crossed the line and will be facing some consequences you don't like. I like non-verbals because they allow us to communicate without the negative emotion/tone in our voices. Additionally, many of our kids don't "hear" a thing once they are wound up, but they visually understand the cards quickly. (5) Praise a lot when your kids are doing well in the car. Out of 10 trips, your kids may misbehave half the time (or more!). But what about the other 5 times? Make sure you are giving more energy to the instances when your kids do behave well. "I really appreciate how quiet/how well you got along in the car today-that really helped me a lot." Instead of always waiting for the negative time to take things away, reward them when they act appropriately. Q: My daughter struggles with sports, camps and other places because she has trouble staying focused while adults speak. Any ideas? I think this will mean more if we allow two kids to tell you how they handle these situations. Summer School Success "My thirteen-year-old son had to take a summer school class and came to me a few days before crying and throwing a fit about it. I asked him why the big production. Turns out he was afraid he'd fail because he said there's no way he can concentrate during the summer. So I burned the CDs onto his iPod and just said listen to this while you're drawing one day (he's a budding artist). He came up with three ideas: he said he could pay attention if he could draw and take notes at the same time; he likes to chew gum while he writes like you said; and he wanted to ask the teacher if he could stand in the back of the room once in a while because he said you were right about not liking to sit upfront. The good news? He got the courage to ask his teacher and she said yes as long as he didn't interrupt the class. He ended up going from an F to a B. I'm not saying he's excited to go back to school next fall, but he feels like he understands himself and has some ideas how to do better. Your ideas are practical and they work. Thanks." Camp Confidence "I wanted to send a big thank you for the tips on the CDs about anxiety. My daughter is 10 and listened last week. Anyway, guess what she said to her Camp leader? She walks right into Camp and says, 'My name is Melissa and I'm good at reading, jumping rope, cooking and taking care of babies. If you want to get my attention, just mention horses or ask me to do something because I like to move a lot.' "I was a little embarrassed, but I realized it's her way of taking ownership. She says you make her feel powerful. Thank you!" Our kids can do amazing things when we give them tools and encourage them to take responsibility for their actions. How I Messed Up with Casey-6 Quick Tips HOW I MESSED UP WITH CASEY-6 TIPS My wife always says not to share things that are so personal, but this is part of who we are. This is a family mission and we take it seriously. I want you to know what I struggle with most, how I mess up and what I do to correct it. So you can learn from my mistakes :) If you are familiar with our story, you know that I did my very best to destroy my relationship with my son and wife by not controlling my own reactions, by being a self-described "freak Dad" for many years. Once I learned how to influence everyone around me by controlling my own behavior, not theirs, it completely changed my relationships. Since moving to Nashville, our lifestyle has changed immeasurably. I am transitioning from being a city boy to a country boy, and that means lots of new experiences. For people like me who do not have much internal order, new experiences are threatening because they are not familiar and there are so many unknowns. That causes a great deal of anxiety. That's why so many of your kids get stomach aches or find excuses not to try new experiences-they'd rather stay home and do what's predictable, like play video games or watch television. So here is the truth: the greatest enemy to your success in life is not anyone else; it's you and your own anxiety. Every single time when I have snapped at Casey recently, it's because of my own anxiety. Does he goad me at times and do frustrating things? Of course, he's a kid and he's human. The point is that it doesn't matter what he does or what anyone else does-if I am in control of myself, nothing can make me lash out. IF I blame it on Casey's attitude, then I have given him complete power over my emotions and I am dependent on HIM-if he's an angel, then all is okay. But if he acts like a teenager, then I get upset. No way! Over the last couple months, I have snapped at Casey more than I had in the whole year prior. He's not different. It's my reactions to new situations that have been different in each and every case. Because I know that the anxiety of new experiences is a trigger for me, I have been proactively doing the following to stop my snapping: 1. Practice the new things repeatedly. Familiarity is important. 2. Give myself extra time, knowing that rushing causes more pressure and anxiety. 3. Allow myself to fail a few times, knowing that my perfectionism adds unnecessary pressure. Try the task, walk away and come back to it later. 4. Actively pray for patience and wisdom. 5. I verbally tell Casey that I'm nervous because I've never done this before. I make myself vulnerable and ask for his help. Now there is the distinct possibility he can exploit this because he likes testing the calm guy! But most often, my vulnerability changes his response. He wants to help because he doesn't like it when I'm intense and nervous. 6. I ask him for specific help. Just barking, "I could use some help here!" won't do it. So I say, "Casey, I'm really anxious about this. Would you mind taking care of x and y for me?" Let me share with you another recent incident in which I could have reacted more effectively. EVER FIGHT OVER A SWEATSHIRT? Casey has been working out with me five days a week and it's made huge improvements in his focus and attitude. Last Friday, he put his sandals and sweatshirt (yes, he wears his hoody even when it's 90 degrees) on my workout bag at the gym. When I finished my workout and headed to the car, I grabbed my bag, but left his sandals and sweatshirt in the gym. We got home and had to shower before heading downtown to help feed the homeless (HUGE SIDE TIP: service projects with your big- hearted kids is a GREAT thing to do). He came into the bedroom-and because of HIS anxiety-demanded that we go back to the gym. It was my fault, of course! Well, I don't do demanding. It's an immediate way to get me to slow down. So I responded, impulsively, with a smart comment about the fact that he doesn't get to command me to do anything. Naturally, this prompted him to begin ranting. I was smiling while I said it, but I still inflamed the situation. I realized where this was headed and decided to reset using these steps: 1. I sat down. Practicing a calm posture is my first step in any stressful situation with anyone. "Kirk, I am a police officer and most of my calls are domestic disturbances. I can't always sit down because of policy and procedure, but when I enter a home, the first thing I ask each of the parties to do is sit down. It immediately lowers the tension, reduces aggression and calms the situation. I've used this with my kids and it has led to some of the greatest talks instead of more fights." Policeman in Canton, OH 2. I use our pre-established code word that means we need to stop and talk: "chips and salsa." When we began learning to speak calmly to each other, we'd step away, grab some chips and salsa, sit on the deck and talk. Now the phrase is a clue to immediately stop and reset. During the heat of the battle, our kids don't hear much-that's why having verbal (code word) and non-verbal (sitting down) cues are important. It works much better than each of us raising our voices, trying to outdo each other, trying to get the other to listen to OUR point of view, because, you know, each of us is always right and needs to prove it. (I know you are nodding your head right now). "Kirk, my son and I used to have all-out wars every evening. He was angry since the divorce and I couldn't believe what I'd hear coming from his mouth and the more I lectured, the worse it got. He just couldn't stop. He was sitting at the table one night with his iPod on while I was fixing dinner and listening to the defiance CDs. I didn't even know he was listening until he blurted out, 'That'll work, Mom. Our code word should be Uno.' He must have thought I was cutting up onions because I started to cry. Since he was a little guy, we had always played Uno together-it was one time when we'd always laugh and have a good time. But for the past few years, we didn't have many of those moments-it was just yelling and grounding him constantly. Well, the next night, we got into a battle over weekend plans he had made without my consent. In the middle of it, my son gets this funny look on his face and yells, 'UNO!' He went and grabbed the Uno cards and started dealing them at the table. We sat down and while we played, we talked about the weekend plans, apologized to each other and even laughed. You gave us a tool to work through our problems and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to laugh with my son again." 3. I apologized. "Hey, Casey, I'm sorry." Powerful, modeling words from an adult. This can lead to teachable moments. 4. I addressed his concerns/root need, with a specific solution. Negating their frustration or just saying, "It'll be fine" or "We'll take care of it later" doesn't work. Because your kids know you are just saying that to get them to shut up! "Casey, I know you are anxious because you don't want to be late to see Reggie, Obbie and Daniel (he has gotten to know some of the homeless guys quite well and was going to take his guitar to play with one guy known as The Professor, who ended up giving Casey a lesson!) and you also don't want to lose your sweatshirt. So let's each grab a quick shower, I'll get the food loaded and I promise we'll have time to stop by the gym on the way downtown. Cool?" With that, his anxiety was relieved. His face, body language and tone changed immediately. "Thanks, Dad. I'll help you load stuff, too." 5. Create a success. When our kids continually have meltdowns, talk back and get in trouble, it creates a debilitating sense of failure inside. They feel like "bad" kids; they feel inferior to siblings and classmates; they begin to shut down or live down to the expectation of failure. That's another reason providing tools is so important--we want our kids to be and feel successful. When I got into the car and headed downtown with Casey, I was able to compliment him. "Casey, thanks for calming down and helping me out. You did a good job and I appreciate it." Two final points. People always ask, "Are the CDs more for younger kids or older kids?" That's the wrong question, honestly. The truth is that parenting isn't about what your kids do-it's about what we as parents do. First and foremost, the CDs give YOU tools to change your reactions and behavior, which is the quickest way to change your family. And we provide practical tools for kids of all ages to control their own emotions. When given practical tools, kids that are 6, 16 or even 26 learn to make positive choices. The principles always work. Does your child/student do things to get attention? When kids are spiraling out of control Q: One of the most common questions is a variation of the following: It seems like my child always wants attention. "My son splashes kids at the pool." "My daughter acts up after I get home from work and need to fix dinner." "My student is the class clown." A: Unfortunately, this phrase, "He's just doing it to get attention" has become a pejorative, as if that is an inappropriate motivation. Of course kids want our attention-even more than that, they need our intense, emotional involvement. What woman does not desire the intense, emotional involvement of her husband when talking about something of importance, rather than the nod from the laptop? What man does not crave the intense, emotional involvement of his wife in the bedroom? We all want this emotional connection and we all need it. But in our rushed, overscheduled society with its unrealistic expectations, we don't have time for that. "Tell me all about it while I cook dinner / work on my computer / get ready to go." Do you know WHY our kids act up and say no most of the time? It's because the ONLY time they get our intense, emotional involvement is when they do something wrong-because THEN we respond immediately by yelling. Your kids can be playing well together for 19 minutes and 42 seconds, but in that next second when they begin arguing, we rush in from the kitchen lecturing, "Why can't you guys ever get along? After everything we've given you and you can't..." It's just human nature so no need to beat yourself up-we all forget to praise when our kids do well and instead react when they mess up. When we do that, though, we train their brains to seek our emotional involvement by misbehaving. The good news is that we can retrain their brains. So here's a powerful tip for you. Next time your kids are defiant or are acting up, instead of focusing on their outward behavior, meet their internal need instead by giving them your intense, emotional involvement. Here are several practical, real-life examples. The Little Messer-Upper I was emailing with this super Mom in Washington State, who had been packing for vacation, but was frustrated because her little guy kept making messes everywhere he went. So she thought about it for a moment, then dropped what she was doing and played with her son for a few minutes, giving him lots of praise. This fifteen minutes of involvement and asking him to come help her (more involvement) saved her an hour's worth of cleaning up messes. She got her packing done AND had a good time with her son. Teen Tantrums "Kirk, I didn't believe you when you said we could end the defiance in our home by controlling our actions. But let me tell you what happened. I used to ask my son to do something (okay, I'd lecture him!) and when he didn't respond with an immediate yes, ma'am, I'd start jumping all over him. Why can't you be responsible, blah blah blah. We listened to the CDs together and I asked him if your way would work best. He just smiled and nodded. We've been using a mix of 'drive-by praise' as you say and getting more involved emotionally in a positive way. The results? He's doing his chores 95% of the time without being prodded. And I think you'll agree this is even more important-we have enjoyed being together more and that feels so good." Class Clown "Kirk, after you came to our school, I started using this principle on a little boy I'll call Jacob. He acts like the class clown to get attention so instead of berating him and giving him more negative attention, I have been proactively getting him involved in my class. He is very bright and dramatic so instead of letting him get bored, I have used him with everything from tutoring other kids in math, teaching parts of lessons, being in skits with my other drama kids, running errands for me, keeping my water bottled filled, etc. I praise more than correct and the change has been quite amazing." A teacher in Chicago, IL Works with Marriages, Too "The thing that blew me away about the Marriage CDs is that you DON'T focus on changing my spouse. Well, I was taught that my job was to bug, hound and nag my husband until he relented. When I stopped doing that, I would buy him books on how to communicate with me better, and grew resentful when he wouldn't read them. So when you said that the best way to change my marriage was to focus on me first, I thought it sounded foolish but nothing else had worked. I have done this for six months now and all of a sudden my husband is becoming the husband that I've wanted. I took your advice and started being assertive-I tell him specifically what would help me, I leave him short notes thanking him instead of nagging him and I'm giving him the POSITIVE emotional connection he has wanted. I set up little date nights once a month and instead of taking about the kids, I act like I'm his date again. This past weekend, he surprised me by getting a sitter for the kids. He took me out for brunch Sunday morning and even left his pager, iPhone and planner at home. I know it was killing him, but he did it for me. We're slowly rebuilding what we had lost over the past few years and we have hope again." Q: What do I do when I come home and my kids have spiraled out of control? (A: Here is one idea from a Dad in New Jersey.) Kirk, I never thought I'd be writing to you. My wife asked me for months to get your CDs and I just scoffed-they're really expensive and I thought they would be a waste of time, until she reminded me how much we were spending on testing and counseling and how things were spiraling out of control. I am in construction and my work is measured by effectiveness and productivity. If things aren't working right at work, then I change the plans. I have every tool I need. Something hit me like a ton of bricks about three months ago when I first started listening to the CDs. I can fix anything around our house or at work, but when it came to our kids, I always seemed to make things worse. I kept demanding that THEY change. It isn't because I wanted to be a bad Dad, I just didn't have the tools. This relationship stuff doesn't come easy to me. And what you have given me is tools. In just about every situation, I now have the right words and phrases and actions (yes, the sitting down has worked because I'm a big, intimidating guy) to control myself. I want to tell people that some of the changes don't happen immediately. It takes work. It took awhile to earn my kids' trust back. Yesterday, I came home from a really tough day at work. The kids were just hammering my wife and I was so tempted to blow in like a hurricane, but I went straight to my wife. I hugged her and held her tight. Then I asked the kids to follow me. I sat down in the living room and got a board game out and started setting it up. Within two minutes, all four kids were sitting around me playing. We laughed and talked and half way through the game, I looked up and saw my wife standing in the kitchen taking a picture with tears streaming down her face. She told me later that in the past ten years, she'd never seen me do something so wonderful. Normally, I would have berated and spanked the kids. I whispered (another great tip, by the way) that perhaps the kids had something to say to their Mom. The kids got up and went in and apologized to her, and gave her a hug. Instead of fighting all night and changing them, I started by controlling myself. It didn't take nearly as much energy as yelling and we ended up having a great night together. I built our house myself, but now you've helped be build the family I always wanted, so thank you. This has been the best investment we've ever made and you are doing good work, keep it up. Paul Anderson, Secaucus, NJ How to get kids to do chores and listen to you. Do you ever feel like your child/student is ignoring you or living on another planet when you ask him to do something? You're not alone. Here are 10 quick communication tips we have used with over 1,500 strong-willed children. (1) Speak to students as adults. I speak to children, no matter the age, how I expect them to act--as adults capable of making good decisions. Our kids are very bright and respond especially well when teachers treat them like adults. (2) Use a matter-of-fact tone. This is essential, especially when dealing with emotional people of any age. The matter-of-fact tone lets the child know that you are in charge, that you aren't fazed by their meltdown or anxiety. You are the rock they can count on. On Tuesday morning, I received this email from a great Dad in Wisconsin. "I want to thank you really quickly for your CDs. This morning is open rebellion on Dad. And I am as calm and cool as a cucumber. I think the kids' tantrums will get the best of them here soon so they can start to get control." This is key: it was the KIDS who got control of their own behavior because this Dad stayed calm, used matter-of-fact language and gave his kids tools. Excellent. (3) Practice a calm posture. When interacting with students or children, sit down. When possible, recline or put your feet up. This changes your perspective, relaxes you and encourages dialogue. When we stand over kids and bark at them, we cannot expect any response other than a defensive one. Again, the calm posture shows that you are confident and in charge. This works every time. A teacher at a Workshop explained how she has learned to calm her class by sitting, leaning back and speaking casually to the class. Executives are using this with great results at the office. (4) Do not lecture. The next time your child confides in you, resist the urge to lecture. It will blow your kids away. Instead, say this, "I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I may have some thoughts on this, so if you're interested, come ask me later and we'll talk." Then walk away. You want your kids coming to you asking what you think, rather than always forcing it on them. "Kirk, I have fought with my daughter since she came out of the womb it seems. As a last ditch attempt, I listened to the defiance CDs on my iPod and tried what you said. Last night, she told me about this particular situation and every part of my motherhood was screaming to lecture, but I zipped it and showed I trusted her. She came to me later and asked what I would do in her situation. For the first time in a long time, we actually had a good conversation and I praised her for her good choice." (5) Get comfortable with silence. When we pick our kids up from school, our parental anxiety causes us to badger them with questions: "Did you make any friends today, how did you do on your test, do you have any homework?" Sometimes our sensory kids need to sit in silence or listen to music, with no pressure. When your child's ready to talk, he will open up (like at bedtime when you've only got 4 minutes until Grey's Anatomy begins!). (6) Make students feel helpful and needed. "I really need your help." "You're really good at drawing. Could you help me out with this project?" Use these magical words with students-our kids really do want to please. (7) Talk while moving and doing. Just as "Honey, we need to talk" strikes fear in a husband, so does the phrase, "Sit down, look me in the eyes and tell me what's going on with you." This will cause your student or child to shut down from fear and intimidation. The best conversations take place while walking, swinging, sitting on the floor playing with Legos, lying in bed, playing catch, coloring or driving in the car. Create a relaxed atmosphere and your child will open up. "Kirk, I thought you'd like to share an idea my daughter (10) had after listening to the CDs on moving and focus. She asked if we could sit on the floor and brush our dog (she finds it calming to groom her puppy) when we have to have serious discussions. Today things got ugly until my daughter (I am ashamed I forgot) stopped, called her puppy and asked me to come sit. I just about melted. She ended up apologizing and asking how she should do things differently next time without me yelling and feeling guilty for the rest of the night. Your program isn't just about parenting, it gives me tools to build a relationship with my kids." (8) Don't explain yourself or negotiate. While I speak respectfully as an adult to kids, I refuse to negotiate or rationalize all of my decisions. Sometimes I will provide context for my decision. But if a child is trying to wear you down, you do not need owe them an explanation. Just make sure your no really does mean no, and your yes really does mean yes. Your kids need to be able to count on you. (9) Shhhhhh. Write notes and send emails-these do not require an immediate reaction and eliminate the defensive posture (excellent strategy for teens). Whisper-the louder your students get, the softer your voice becomes. Instead of lecturing, use non-verbals: turn lights on and off to modulate noise level, use music to signal transitions, teach sign language to communicate without words. (10) Remember what your mother told you. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Harping on the negative makes things worse, every time. Praise often, praise with specifics. Let your students and children know why you are proud of them. Some kids do not respond well to verbal praise, so write notes or plant seeds with a short compliment, then walk away. Okay, one of our tenets is giving people more than they asked for and exceeding expectations. So here are a few bonus tips: (11) Always use interesting time limits. Never say, "You have 5 minutes." Instead, you are leaving in 7 ½ minutes and they have 23 minutes to finish playing their video game. It will stick in your child's brain. (12) Ask a question instead of making a statement. Try it. Asking questions forces kids to think and respond. Statements pass through both ears. And I will end with one of my favorites: (13) Don't be so quick to say, "No." Why? Because we want to teach our kids how to think, show that we respect their opinions and encourage them to own their decisions. So stop, consider their request and then put it back in their court. "Why don't you think about this request for 24 hours? Consider what you'd say if you were me." You'll be surprised how often your child will come back a day later and say, "I've thought about it and maybe it's not the right decision this time." If they want to go ahead and do something you don't agree with, have them provide the rationale. If it's safe, you may say, "Okay" and let them live with the consequences. Or you may say, "You know what? I respect your thinking, but this time I'm going to still say no." This fosters conversations, teaches your child to think before making questions and demonstrates that you respect them. Say no to homework? 7 Back-to-School Tips Over the next few weeks, we will be addressing homework, attention, anxiety, behavior and more to get you ready for school. Unless you make difficult choices now, before school begins, you are destined to struggle through another chaotic year with endless battles over the morning routine, homework, dinner and bedtime. And I know you are sick of that. Here are 7 steps to take. # 1 Determine your family's priorities now. We are the adults. WE choose our lifestyle. Do not allow society, neighbors, in-laws, schools or anyone else determine the way you live. Determine your priorities, values and goals for the school year. Ask your kids what is most important to them. They will choose family time over possessions, downtime over rushing around. It's a great life lesson in prioritization-you can't have it all. Do you value a calm home, building relationships, giving more than taking, celebrating progress in school, building confidence, teaching important life skills? # 2 Write your priorities/values down. Post the values on your refrigerator in big, bold letters: CALM, RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE, LIFE SKILLS. Whenever situations threaten to sabotage these priorities, take a bold stand and keep your eyes on what is most important. # 3 Make changes to your schedule so that your family's lifestyle stays congruent with your values. There is no way we can continue to rush around and have peaceful homes, great conversations and kids who problem-solve. "Kirk, I think I was the one who felt like I needed to rush my kids around and over-commit to feel like a good Mom. So one day we're listening to the CDs about needing downtime and my kids pipe up from the backseat with some ideas. Each of them agreed to give up one activity this fall so we could have three afternoons dedicated to just playing, downtime and exploring. They are already planning some experiments we can do together right in our own neighborhood. It feels right, even though I know my parents and sisters will wonder why we're giving up activities." # 4 Learn to say no. No. No. No. Say no to other commitments. Say no to activities that cause stress. Do what's right for your family. "Kirk, when you explained on the CDs about the skills necessary for success in life, it really resonated with me and my husband. We made a choice last year to limit homework to 90 minutes each night and spend the rest of the evening exploring, playing outside and enjoying down time together. It was difficult approaching teachers at first with our idea, but we stood firm and most of them understood because they have kids themselves. We reclaimed our family life and for the first time ever, we enjoyed the school year. Keep encouraging parents to be different, it's worth it." A reasonable amount of homework is just fine--you have to determine that by age group/grade. But realize that there is no correlation between homework and success in life. I have never met a successful person who said, "I owe my success to completing homework in third grade." Please recognize the balance. Our kids would grow into more well-balanced, emotionally mature, intellectually-curious adults if they spent their evenings playing outside, learning to compromise and develop leadership skills with friends, and cultivating their gifts and passions. # 5 Establish three traditions. A primary driver of our kids' behavior is a sense of chaos inside their brains, resulting in a need for order and structure. In addition to becoming a calm parent--which is essential for creating a stable learning environment--one powerful way to create order is to establish family traditions that your kids can count on. Every Tuesday night, you wear pajamas and eat pancakes for dinner. Friday night is movie and popcorn night. Dad takes the kids to play on Saturday morning while Mom has a few hours to herself. The importance is this: these are times your kids can count on, that are always positive no matter what has happened that week. You aren't going to discuss problems or fix anything--you are just going to enjoy each other. And in doing so, you'll find the problems become fewer and easier to solve. I guarantee you that twenty years from now your kids will talk about these family traditions-and likely continue them with their own families. They don't cost any money, just time. "Kirk, my kids don't always like your ideas on discipline since it puts the responsibility back on them, but they did really like the traditions idea. So my three kids each came up with a tradition-my oldest son cooks dinner every Tuesday night, my daughter creates fun night on Fridays with board games and my youngest son likes us to pray together before bed under the stars when the weather is good. You are right-no matter how crazy life gets with the unexpected, our family does these three things together every week. It has really calmed our home." The teachers we work with ask students to create traditions for how students enter the classroom; what they do before and after tests; how they ask questions and interact with classmates. You already have traditions for how to handle fire drills, so let's extend this to other important areas. # 6 Build gifts, talents and passions-balance your child's life. It is easy, but detrimental, to fall into the trap of "fixing" all of our kids' weaknesses. We spend 90% of our time on testing, therapy, tutoring, homework, etc. But we ignore what is most important for success in life--cultivating our kids' natural gifts, talents and passions. This is the best way to improve confidence and social skills. A great Mom and Dad have determined that this year school year, they are going to find two new talents each week their daughter can participate in, even if it takes away from homework time. This is a wonderfully revealing insight that I agree with wholeheartedly: "I can't expect her to feel good about herself when she is in an environment 200+ days a year that highlights all the things she doesn't do as well as everyone else." I love getting our kids involved in service projects. They have big hearts and love to help others. So volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, homeless shelter, animal rescue, nursing home, etc. It will help your family recognize what is truly important in life. It's virtually impossible for Casey to complain about his life after we've fed people who sleep under bridges. Give your kids lots of opportunities to be successful doing what they love and what they are good at. # 7 Give your kids tools to be successful. It is categorically unfair to continue to get on our kids about focus, attention, grades and behavior without giving them TOOLS to be successful. Do your kids know how to build social skills? Do your kids know how their brains work so they can pay attention better in class and do homework easier? Do your kids know how to control their impulses so they don't get ostracized in class? We spend hours lecturing, coming up with complex consequences and ways to get our kids to behave or improve grades. We spend countless dollars testing, tutoring, etc-which can be very effective and helpful-but it's time to give your kids practical tools so they can be responsible for themselves. Just as important, it's important for you to have the tools as well. So we urge you to take advantage of hundreds of proven, scientific tools that have been used in thousands of homes and schools all over the world. Anxiety, school, kids being patient Back-to-school special Can Your Child Do This? (YES!) Kirk, I wanted to share a story with you. Although my son has resisted so far, with school starting soon, he surprised me and asked to listen to the CDs on a road trip to the Chicago Science Museum. On 294 going 65 mph we had a flat tire, I got over no problem, and called AAA. They said it would be 30 minutes for help, so I set the timer and said let's see if they were right. My son took his timer and waited. I got a call from AAA, saying they couldn't find us. All this time my son is watching the timer and waiting. I was getting nervous he was going to lose it once the timer went off, but he did not. A gentleman stopped (not AAA) and said he saw us and felt that he should help. My son said that is just like Mr. Martin said, "It is good to give." After waiting over an hour, we still had to go find a place to get a new tire. My son managed to keep it together after waiting over 4 hours! We gave him LOTS of praise at how well he "kept his power." My note: Have hope. Give your kids tools and they CAN learn to control their emotions and behavior. Q: How can we help our son with his back-to-school anxiety? Because of the lack of order inside our kids' brains, new situations are very difficult for our kids. Casey and I both struggle with anxiety, but have learned fool-proof ways to overcome it in every situation. # 1 Familiarity is very important. Reduce unknowns in your child's life as he goes back to school. Visit your child's school early and often before schools begins-do not wait until back-to-school night, which is the craziest night of the year! Get comfortable walking the halls, knowing where the cafeteria is, getting used to the smells (huge for sensory kids sensitive to smell). Practice the locker combination, play outside on the playground, keep Legos or comfort items in the classroom so your child has something to look forward to. In addition to developing traditions, being a calm parent works wonders. # 2 Make a personal connection. Make an appointment to meet your child's teachers when they are relaxed and no one else is around. Find something your teacher and child have in common-anything they can talk about. It's very comforting and enables conversations to know your teacher likes kittens, brownies, the same band, your favorite sports team. It creates a personal bond that is important once struggles surface in the school year. Bring your child's teacher something that will make their lives easier or better. No, we're not bribing here, just using common courtesy. When you come for your private meeting, bring some brownies, school supplies or something your child has made. The most important thing you can give your child's teacher is insight into your child. Create a one-page (please don't take in 15 pages of evaluations and testing results) sheet that lists: (1) Your child's gifts and talents. Begin with the positive. What does your child excel at doing? What kind of responsibilities could your child have in class? Give teachers clues on how to connect with your child and show off their talents in class. (2) After defining your child by his gifts (important), then list your child's struggles, but don't stop there. Explain specific ways you have dealt with these struggles or quirks in the past. "My son struggles with focus, but in the past teachers have allowed him to do x, y and z to improve attention." You want to be a collaborator in problem-solving. # 3 Give a specific job. When walking into a room, already nervous and perhaps without many friends, kids can become overwhelmed by anxiety. The best antidote for anxiety is to change the focus from self- consciousness to having a very specific job to do. When kids show up at my house for Camp, in order to alleviate a young child's separation anxiety or a teenager's social anxiety, I always do three things. I ask them something specific about their particular interests, praise them, and hand them an envelope with a specific activity I need done when they walk in my door. "I could really use your help" is a great phrase. When they walk in my door, instead of being overwhelmed by noise, commotion and kids they don't know, they can focus on doing specifically what I asked. Specific is important. "Go in and have a good time," "Get ready for class", etc. is too broad and generic. No matter where your child goes--the in-laws, tae kwon do, school, church--our kids need specific jobs and responsibilities, especially ones using their gifts and helping others. It also gives the adult an opportunity to thank and praise your child for helping. "Kirk, my daughter (8) already started school and listened to what you said about anxiety. She loves animals, always has. The class has a guinea pig that gets pretty messy. Everyone wants to play with it, but no one wants to clean up after it. Except for my daughter. She's been reading up on guinea pigs and making things to make his little home more comfortable in class. When she gets to school, she cleans out the cage and asked the teacher if she can come up with the feeding schedule. It's done wonders for her to begin the year positively." "Kirk, it worked. I burned the CDs to my teenager's iPod and told him to listen this summer. He asked if he could meet his teacher alone before school started and work out a plan with her-I was stunned. He's always been a great artist, but usually draws on his arms more than canvas. So he asked the teacher if he could make classroom signs and posters. The first thing the kids said was, 'Who did your posters?' The teacher pointed to Zach and he came home beaming. He may even join the drama club so he can help with set design-for the first time in his life, he is known for something good rather than being the problem kid. Thank you, thank you." Q: A few of my students have difficulty transitioning between classes. They don't seem to hear what I say. A: Try using non-verbals to communicate. To make it even more effective, get the kids involved using their gifts and passions. Most kids like music, so have them come up with songs to mark the transition from activity to activity. You can either play music or have kids sing songs. It's good stimulation for their brains. Use lights to signal to your students. (Soft lighting can calm your students as well.) Give your students specific missions or responsibilities with each transition. Get them involved writing the schedule, have energetic students come in from recess and complete a specific job each time: clean desks, move books for you, clean the blackboard. Some teachers use a different exercise between activities (jumping jacks, Simon Says). So your change agents could lead the class in a 60- second exercise between activities. Parents, use the same strategy for the evening routine, which will liberate you from being the drill sergeant and reduce your own anxiety. When your child hears "Splish Splash," he knows it's bath time. Our kids are great at tuning out voices, but tend to respond well to visuals or music. Q: My teenager gets crabby and brings me down. What would you do? A: I choose to control my own mood. When my teenage son is crabby, I can join his misery and let HIS mood determine mine, or I can choose my own mood. I know it isn't easy, but I refuse to give power over my emotions to a sixteen -year-old. My son is used to hearing me say, "I'm not responsible for your happiness, you are." As a side note, we noticed that my son's moodiness changed dramatically after we took soda and simple carbs/sugary snacks out of the house. Try it. Getting your kids internally motivated by using their gifts and passions is the number one way to build confidence and change moods. Parents of younger children will often change their own mood first, then play fun games such as asking, "Hey, where did your smile go? Can you help me find it?" Q: How can I get my kids more focused on homework and chores? We have dozens and dozens of ideas, but thought it would be fun to share an idea that came from a 9-year-old girl. "My daughter and I were listening to your CDs about the need for purposeful missions and stimulation. When you talked about kids doing things the hard way, my daughter said matter-of-factly, 'I do that.' Hmmm. So we brainstormed ways to make getting dressed more of a challenge. One day when she was doing her homework on the exercise ball (your tip, by the way, it works great), she said, 'I've got an idea, Mom. I can get dressed on my ball.' Well, that did it. The next morning I heard her thump and start giggling while trying to pull her clothes on balancing on that stupid ball. I am so glad you think like these kids (no offense meant!) because I would never have thought to do that. Just that one tip has changed our mornings together." Note: many teachers keep exercise balls in the classroom. It's stimulating and meets kids' sensory needs. I know these things may sound funny. But I guarantee that if you apply the principles and spend a couple minutes proactively, you will save many, many fights and a lot of anxiety. By all means, get your kids and students involved in developing solutions. If they listen to the CDs, it will be very validating and empowering...and your kids will be responsible for their lives. Chores, eye contact and accommodations We'll address three important topics concisely again: motivation for chores, eye contact issues and providing accommodations in class. (1) I have a couple students who always look away when answering questions. How can I get them to look me in the eyes? I believe in modeling and teaching eye contact for social interaction, but science tells us (in a recent British study, among others) that many children process information more effectively when looking away. That's why: when called on in class, many kids don't respond until the teacher has moved on to another student; our kids remember everything when sitting in the backseat playing their Gameboy; our best conversations are when kids are engaged in an activity. When I recall stories at live workshops, I routinely glance at the floor or ceiling. Like many of our kids, I "read" faces, which are extremely interesting and complex, so it's difficult to look at you while recalling information. So my advice is to test this out-ask students questions while they are looking out the window, and you may be surprised at the response. Parents, always talk to kids while walking, swinging, coloring, etc. You'll have much better, less defensive conversations. (2) All I ask my kids to do is hang up their backpacks when they get home, but I am continually yelling at them to do this. We're only two weeks into the school year and I'm turning into crazy Mama already! Listen, I have no problem with consequences for inaction. No chores, no screen time. Simple, end of story. But let me share another insight. Part of the issue is that our kids are overwhelmed since starting school...even after a few hours, their brains are so overloaded with all the instructions and talking (think of it as a teacher "nagging" them for hours to do things that they sometimes are not interested in!) that by the time they get home, they are not hearing anything...they are just focused solely on doing something THEY want to do. The truth is that adults are often like this as well-we need our cup of coffee, veg time or hot shower after work as well. We don't want to hear anything, just quiet. I guarantee your voice after school sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. So here's a great principle that applies anytime: you must connect before you get compliance. When your kids walk in the door, connect with them-even if it's only for six minutes. Do something fun together. Build with Legos, play catch, fix a snack and eat it on the front steps together. Don't talk about school, just about something interesting to them. Praise them for something they have done well lately. THEN transition to chores (hang up backpack, etc.) or homework, but only after you have connected with no anxiety. Calm down, Crazy Mama! |